After my boyfriend dumped me for refusing to wear a mask in Trader Joe’s, I developed a celebrity crush on Kevin Malone from The Office. From there, I developed feelings for Mrs. Doubtfire, Grandpa Munster, and a particularly sexy blobfish. But it wasn’t until I saw a certain senator’s airport photos last week that I desperately yearned for romance with a special someone.
Punchy, I am totally in love with Texas Senator Ted Cruz.
When I saw the pictures of Teddy flying to Cancún, I was furious, but not because he left his constituents and dog Snowflake to freeze. I was furious because he didn’t take me with him. What makes Heidi so special? She’s his wife? Big whoop! Who does she think she is, acting like she has a claim to the hottest member of Congress? (Although, Teddy technically did get colder once he landed back in Texas.)
Teddy is also such a good dad to arrange for his daughters to travel to Mexico: first on a plane, and then under a bus. It’s just like the time he read them Green Eggs and Ham during his 21-hour filibuster against Obamacare. I should’ve known back then that he was the perfect match for me!
I want to sip a margarita at the Ritz Carlton in Cancún, while Teddy reads me Ayn Rand in his perfectly nasally voice. I want to ride the waves of the ocean and of his greasy, overgrown hair. I want to split a whole pig with Teddy as we terrify his vegetarian in-laws, and he whispers the name of every constituent who doesn’t deserve running water.
Punchy, how can I win Teddy’s affections? Once he got to know me, I’m sure he’d treat me with the same loyalty he’s shown to Donald Trump. Just like Teddy crossed the border into Mexico, I want to cross the border into his heart. As Texas freezes over, my passion remains a burning fire.
—Cruisin’ for a Cruzin
Dear Cruisin’ for a Cruzin,
I’m afraid that this issue, while deeply concerning, is beyond the purview of my expertise. For Sen. Cruz’s safety, I’ve forwarded your letter to his staff and the police officers who escorted him through the airport. For more assistance, please go to https://caps.wellness.upenn.edu to schedule an appointment.