by Arielle Wolfson

Every day when I, Arielle Wolfson, log onto facebook (fine, maybe 11 times a day), I notice that facebook suggests people who they think that I should friend request. Now granted that I have 876 “friends” (and I use the term “friend” loosely), I could always have more; as in, I have to say hi to you on locust walk, we are facebook friends, remember? However, the people they suggest are usually about as cool as my friend’s deaf and blind dog (who we meanly call Helen Keller…yes, for that my babies will be deformed and resemble a drugged out Lindsay Lohan). I wish I could just talk to facebook and tell them, “dude 80% of the people in your “people you may know”
feature are people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with, so stop making crappy suggestions!” Below is a list of the past eight people facebook suggested I should friend and just for the record, I didn’t listen to a single one of its suggestions.

1. Random Asian- I couldn’t remember if this was the Asian kid I saw conspiring with Pinky and the Brain to take over the world, or the one who is President of the anime club. Either way, no, I do not want to be friends with you freaky Asian man!
2. Facebook whore- Yes, this was the girl who before freshman year began, went on a friending spree and friended more people than the number of girls Magic Johnson has slept with in his life. I, fortunately, was not one of them. Plus, I heard talking to this girl is less interesting than watching a mime wrestle a fake umbrella, thus she would not be a great addition to my intimate group of facebook friends.
3. Random hook up at a Frat Party- I at least think it’s the same person, seeing as I have had a more substantial conversation with the mouse who invaded my kitchen than this guy. Plus I would really like to forget that night…
4. Weird Boy- I think this was the kid who was rumored to have a series of love affairs with different blow up dolls. His facebook picture makes him look like a deranged elf in a horror movie about an axe murdering Santa. Enough said.
.5. Boring Girl- This girl was in one of my classes and she has the charisma of drywall. Listening to her speak makes me more bored than a priest at a brothel. I would probably just fall asleep looking at her facebook page.
6. Hot Boy walking on Locust- Friending this guy would bring my admiration from afar to a very very up close level. Plus, his profile is public …when I found that out I felt like a kid on Hanukkah who just received the new Barbie from her parents. 634 pictures? Don’t mind if
I do!
7. Butch Girl- This girl (gender is questionable) looks like a Bulgarian dog trainer I once saw on TV. Every time I walk past her, I feel like I need to wear a sign that says “PLEASE DON’T EAT ME.” However, I feel like this shemale would be more helpful than Penn walk when I need someone to walk me home at night.
8. Grade Whore- I sat next to this girl in US history class last semester, and she would always try to look at my grades. I assume she was a Whartonite, and now that I think about it, she kind of resembles Abe Lincoln without the sunken cheeks or stovepipe hat.