The Guy’s Guide to Penn Girls

by David Shore

Saying David Shore is a ladies man would be like saying the Great Wall of China was erected to keep out invading Mongolians. It’s a mere statement of fact. That being said, he is both helpful and modest, too, and is always willing to lend a hand to those who have been spending Friday nights with their hand.

The Guy’s Guide to Penn Girls

Let’s be honest, if you’re a dude and you’re reading this website, you probably could use a few pointers when it comes to la femme fatale (Matt Bloch and your extra-tiny condoms, I’m especially looking at you). It’s nothing to be worried about, we all have our Everest and I suppose it’s only fitting for yours is a boob.
Mind you, I don’t know anything about women; I have been waiting for 3 years for the girls outside the Women Center to smile at me (a little politeness wouldn’t disenfranchise them). Despite this, I have picked up a few pointers any man could use.

By major:

English Majors – A major subset at Penn, you’ve got to know a few things not to do with these brainy types.

  1. She may love Shakespeare, but wearing ruffled shirts won’t help.
  2. Talking to her lyrically will not help your chances. Take iambic pentameter for example: Spea-KING this WAY makes HER think THAT you’re GAY (not that there is anything wrong with that).
  3. Saying “The lady doth protest too much methinks”, while witty, does not change the fact that it is still rape (…somewhere, a Penn frat boy confusingly scratches his head).

Premed Prudes and Biology Babes

  1. If you them to join you on a Saturday night to, “study the wonders of the human body,” you’ll end up doing homework. Not just any homework, mind you, but reading textbooks about sex organs or fruit flies doing it (God loves irony. And hates you).

Wharton Women

  1. Let them pay for the meal. They’ve been working for equal pay for years, they deserve the chance to flaunt it.
  2. She ma be sporting some top-of-the-line cleavage, but don’t think they are for you – those assets are only for her MGMT TA.

And now by race!

Jewish Women

  1. Honestly, I have no idea. I mean, I once went to shake hands with a Jewish girl to introduce myself and she responded by wordlessly staring at the hand, then my eyes, and then back at my hand before walking away. If you want to help me, my parents would greatly appreciate it. Seriously.

Indian Girls

  1. Be a doctor.
  2. Grow an afro and perform in an all-male Indian performing arts group.
  3. Watch Slumdog Millionaire with her is a good idea, but don’t kiss her scars and whisper “Latika…”
  4. Imbued by their parents with a deep sense of regret (particularly for not being a doctor and having kids yet), you should try to make them feel duty-bound to you (Ahh guilt, the universal language of love).
  5. Try colonization or a hunger strike? Maybe?
  6. They love talking about Indian culture – tell her that her current bout with anorexia really brings out the Gandhi in her bone structure.

Non-Indian/Jewish Girls

  1. Wait… what Non-Jewish Non-Indian girls?

Asian girls – I almost forgot!

  1. Do not try to guess their ethnicity. You’ll always be wrong.

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