Global Warming Sensations

by Jonathan Weinblatt

It’s blistering cold days like this that make me wish for the balmy 70 degree days of December, 2006. Oh, it was then that my old bones could finally be invigorated with youthful sprightliness. The really inconvenient truth is that I have to walk through the wind tunnel on my way to class with a wind chill below zero degrees punishing my face. I wonder if it’s even worth it to worry about global warming. Everyone else seems to be polluting the air with carbon dioxide and doing their part to melt the polar ice caps. If high school taught me nothing else, it’s that succumbing to peer pressure is the path to coolness. In this case, doing the same as everyone else can help make the whole world cooler … by making it hotter.

When pollution and using fossil fuels isn’t enough to warm up a frigid Philadelphia winter, there are other more drastic measures that can be taken to thaw your frozen face:

One way would be to rob a bank. Bank robbers always wear ski masks, and therefore, your face would no longer be cold. The logic is unassailable. Worst-case scenario, you end up in a fairly temperate jail cell with a 300 pound buddy to warm you up. Actually, worst-case scenario is that you die, but you could die doing anything, and at least you wouldn’t be cold anymore.

It’s common knowledge that drinking alcohol will make you feel warmer. However, anyone with medical or frat pledge expertise will tell you that just because alcohol makes you too numb to feel pain, it doesn’t mean that your ass won’t be completely sore the next day. Oh please, I’m talking about paddling. The best solution? Don’t drink. Anything. The less liquid there is inside your body, the less there is to freeze in your veins and make you feel really cold, right?

Become a hermit. Don’t leave your room. Order everything for delivery, including food and sexual partners. Email in all assignments and fake a debilitating disease that would preclude you from taking any exams until the weather improves. Grey’s Anatomy teaches us that the best way to solve problems is to totally avoid them and hope they go away. If you don’t want to be exposed to the cold shoulder of winter, then all you have to do is to eliminate all contact … and then ask the winter to marry you.

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