The Punch Bowl Guide to Giving Props

by Walker Hawkins

Everyone deserves props, and even mad props on occasion, at some point in his or her life. However, giving someone props isn’t the easiest thing to do. You know he or she should receive them, and yet you don’t know how to articulate them. To help, we’ve devised a “props template”. Just fill in the blanks and the rest should take care of itself.

Dear _________ (insert street name here, no soft shit),
I just thought you should know that you deserve (mad/crazy/type II diabetes) props. Before last week, I had never seen anyone (slap a bitch/run train/eat three Double Whoppers in one sitting) like that before. You’re definitely the (pimpest/hardest/most out of shape) person in our hood and I just thought you should know that. Every time people ask about (you!/you mothafucka!!!/that fat kid I sometimes hang out with), I say “yo, that’s (insert same name from above), he’s (number 1/the streets/sleeping).” I really hope you understand how much we all look up to you, especially after that time you (knifed someone and gave us his wallet/took the heat after we robbed that liquor store/drank a 64 ounce SuperGulp of BigRed in under two minutes).
I know it’s a weird thing to give someone his props now-a-days. People are so politically correct about everything and it’s not polite to talk about things like (dicks/dicks/dicks) in public. I don’t care though, you need to (know/hear me/yo, wake up, I’m still talking). Nobody here understands me but you. Sometimes I think that we were made to be (accomplices/cell mates/Weight Watchers partners). I also included (some straight cash/the key to Jake Harrison’s Chevy Malibu/TastyKakes) in this envelope. Enjoy!
(See you on the streets/I’ll come during visiting hours sometime soon/let’s order a pizza),

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