Well, Halloween has come and passed, and now it is time for the infamous “Shout Outs.”  Every year we seem to go through the trite ritual of commemorating the smuttiest, slutty-ist, and (if it’s a particularly good party), muddiest, masked revelers.   But amid all this wanton debauchery (thanks for the memories BETA school girl 4#), we seem to have forgotten the point of Penn, learning.  Where are the shout outs to those who have shined bright in the hallowed halls of academia?  Well, to rectify this imbalance, I humbly present a few here:

To the guy who came in late, left early, and smelled like Night Train all in between: I appreciate the self-esteem boost.  You bend that grade curve down girl!!

To the smug asshole who turned his test in early:  either you prepped really well and didn’t have the good form to hide it, or you are going to look like an ass when you fail.  It’s like a magical decision tree where all roads lead to douche.

To the professor who trusted us to be alone in the test hall: did you know that is it actually remarkably common for 64 students to write the exact same answer to an open ended essay?  Really.

To the 65th kid who squealed: no one likes a tattle tale.

To any honor council members who may or may not be hearing cases soon:  Did you know you can find anyone on Penn directory?  It’s really easy.  Also, Modell’s is having a sale on bats.  Heavy ones…

To Sutherland and Differential Association:  Go die in a fucking fire.  I think we both know why.

To Wharton:  Sucks to be you.

To SEAS: Sucks even worse to be you.

To CAS:  Dude, if you’re not gonna smoke it, pass it.