As a representative of the Jewish world, I have a question for Christians. The wonderful holiday of
Passover Easter is fast approaching, a holiday where Christians gather together to celebrate the death and subsequent resurrection of Christ.
As my Catholic friend put it, “This is the holiday where Jesus was stabbed, crucified, and buried in a cave, only to rise three days later.” So, my question is:
How did the teachings of Zombie Jesus evolve into a religion? If he rose again today, some crazed Left-4-Dead maniac would shoot him in the face. The only feasible explanation is that Christians are, in fact, soulless, happiness-hating members of the undead. Why else would Christians have such strange religious rituals? For example, while Indians dance and Jews avoid their mothers to experience the divine, Catholics “eat the body of Christ.” Additionally, every Sunday, they gather en masse around an altar in a room decorated with pictures of virgins, praying on their hands and knees for the arrival of their Undead Messiah. In return for their prayer, their deity promises them the speedy approach of Rapture: the end of days. While the rest of us experience perpetual torment in this fiery apocalypse, Christians believe that amidst all this destruction, they will go to heaven, all the while blissfully singing, “Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ will come again.” Holy Batman, I think I just peed myself.
Despite all of this hard evidence, the world refuses to acknowledge the Zombie Jesus problem. In their native tongue of Yiddish, Jews, for example, call Christians “gentiles” in a clear display of denial. As a people, however, we cannot afford to ignore the dangers of the undead horde any longer! If we let this problem go unchecked, what’s next, Vampire Santa?
What could the rest of us even do to defend against something like Zombie Jesus? Not only is their Lord and Savior undead, he can walk on water, and he’s a ghost. How do you defend against that?! Who you gonna call, Bill Murray? Where can you hide from a powerful force like that? I’ve tried hiding in a deli, but they keep on coming. No wonder they are against science; they see technology as their only weakness!
Our only hope is for the religious leaders of the world to join together in an alliance to combat this undead menace. Under a single banner, Mohammad, Buddha, Vishnu, and Jon Stewart can pull humanity back from the edge of this precipice and do the impossible: destroy the head of Jesus Christ.
On a more important note, HOW DO YOU GUYS EAT PEEPS? That stuff is nasty.