Friday Special: A Facebook Frenzy

            So by now all of us Penn students know about the new Facebook News Feed (except for the anti-socials, the continuing education students, and that hot girl over in Rodin who never seems to respond to the many postings I’ve left on her wall). We’re now all comfortable having our friends know exactly when we decided to leave the group “I still care about the tsunami victims.” However, the News Feed seems to be lacking something, doesn’t it? Besides letting us know when your hall’s emotionally unstable girl posted on the wall of the guy who had a one-night hookup with her, News Feed needs to tell us more. More, damnit! If my privacy’s getting infringed, I want it infringed all the way. I want all my friends, future bosses, and random others to know precisely when I started a joke relationship with my best friend from high school, which might imply homosexuality or might imply comfort with my sexuality (either one, as we all know, drives the chicks WILD!). Mark Zuckerberg seems to agree with me. Just look at this hard data:

     -Nick Carnwell updated his status at 10:00 pm, from “on a hot date” to “On a hot date!” Wow, that’s not an obvious lie. I can hear Spice World blaring through the thin walls, neighbor, at least have the self-respect to admit what you’re doing.
     -Alex McNeil no longer likes the movie Happy Gilmore. Inform her she’s a dipshit.
     -Katherine Nebeling joined the group “For every 1,000 that join this group I will donate $1 for Darfur.” So she won’t give change to the homeless black dudes in her neighborhood, but she wants money given to the dying black dudes she’ll never see. What the fuck? You heartless bitch.
     -Theodore Nathanson’s birthday was yesterday, and Jamie Forman, with whom he is “in a relationship” only used 3 exclamation marks in wishing him a happy birthday! Ladies, looks like he’s up for grabs. Of course, I could just be starting rumors.
     -Tina Field was tagged in 4 photos in which she is obviously drunk, because she’s lifting her shirt, exposing her big and juicy…gut. Nasty.
     -Ashton Schwartz was tagged in 4 photos in which he is obviously drunk, because he’s making out with that fatty Tina Field.

           Mark, in an inclusive interview with The Punch Bowl, which he thought was with Esquire, revealed that these are all parts of Facebook’s goal to facilitate the spread of information. He also confirmed that he is seriously considering selling Facebook to Google. Fucking Jewbag. Additionally, Mark announced that no more pictures of female nudity would be allowed (I guess he hates boobies, too. Fucking commie Jewbag). Before the interview ended, Mark requested any suggestions we have, as he seriously considers users’ opinions before answering a very important cell-phone call and walking out of the room. Though Mark may have more money, MySpace Tom will always be friends with more hot babes, and forever have the hearts of those few, those proud, those fifty-five year old-men posing as eighteen-year old girls.

Leave a Reply