From the [deep] Archives/Obituary

      First, some sad news everyone. Our popular profile on facebook of Amy Gutmann, has been killed. We had some good times with her, facebooking her into funny pictures, making fun of her weight, laughing at freshman who thought it was her real profile. Good times. One of Mark Zuckerberg’s intolerable harpies killed her, saying this to us in an email:

“You have been disabled because it came to our attention that you are not the real Amy Gutmann.

Thanks for contacting Facebook!
Customer Support Representative

      What an asshole. If you want to express your anger to Meredith “Loves Hitler” McHatesBabies, please email her and let her know that you miss the fake Amy, who was a more three dimensional character than the real Amy. Goodbye facebook Amy… you will be missed. But in lighter news, from a 1999 issue, a letter to the prez before Amy the Gut, Miss. Rodin.

A Letter to President RodinDear Judy,

Thank you so much for banning alcohol and destroying the entire fraternity scene. It’s about time someone here realized that fraternity partie4s are ruining the lives of all Penn students.

See, you’re right… we don’t need alcohol-ridden frat parties. I mean, I’ll admit that if there’s one thing the frats are good for, it’s meningitis. But alcohol is just bad. We learned this lesson last year when the DTD brothers got so wasted that they had sex with each other.

Seriously, why bother with alcohol when we can get the pure shit? High-grade dope. We live in the most drug-infested area this side of Christian Slater’s septum and we don’t even care. We should become more communuity-oriented. So next year’s “Into the Streets” program, we’re going to clean up our neighborhood by reaching out to our fellow man and stealing his drugs. And we’re going to start tutoring the community, because there’s nothing more rewarding than tutoring an illegitimate child.

The day I saw a car that said “Crack Baby on Board,” I knew that there wasn’t a better place than West Philly to score some high-grade crack rock. Just like there’s no better place than Penn to get it on froggy-style. Ben Franklin said it best when came to Philadelphia and proclaimed, “Where are the whores?”

So for Ben’s sake, we’re turning all the frat houses into orgy parlors. If we want to get Penn that elusive #1 ranking, we need one more thing: hot group sex. This would definitely attract Mormon students looking for a school with a high wife:husband ratio. But let’s keep the sex safe because like I said, there’s no better place than West Philly to score some high-grade venereal disease (actually, I said that yesterday but you weren’t there.)

And when we’re not screwing and tripping, we’ll need a place to just hang. And I can’t think of a better place for chillin’ than our neighborhood Kinko’s. Oh man, the times we’ll have making copies with the gangbanger street thugs, downing 40 oz. bottles of copy toner. Kickin’ it like this:

Gangbanger Street Thug: Fuck yeah! We’s be chillin’, kickin’ it with this dope TSR-8000. Bitches be shakin’ their ghetto asses against the glass, makin’ copies. This da muthafuckin’ life, muthafucka… muthafucka!!
You: What’s wrong?
Gangbanger Street Thug: Shit yo! This shit’s outta toner!

Ohhh yeah, the new Penn is going to rock. We’re even changing the school song!

“Harvard’s all dicked in crimson and shit yo, Yale’s all deep down in that shit, but Pennsylvania’s got kick-ass fuck parties and crack!”

So Judy… I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’ve led Penn one step closer in its quest toward total brick-housed funk. I applaud you in all the decisions you’ve made regarding Penn’s future and your spring wardrobe.

And don’t worry, once Penn becomes more hard-core, we’ll make sure to keep you away from the pool tables.

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