by Rish Chaudhuri

Whartonites? Love? The end is near ladies and gentleman, as I have found the very sign that the O magazine predicted would herald the coming of the apocalypse. Here is a love song written from one Whartonite to another. Run to the hills. Run for your lives.

When I saw you in your powersuit,
Preppy pearls and silken hair,
Like Apple stocks in the 80’s,
I’d buy you then and there
The sight of you makes me high
Like Warren Buffet’s credit rating,
My worries turn into capital
Which is depreciating
You make my leverage soar up into the sky
You’re like a bull market, and you make me smile

You make me weak like the subprime mortgage did to the market,
You make me mad like a bad manager who never reached his target
Oh baby, can’t you see, you and me we’re a synergy
I want you to be in my portfolio.

I’d do anything to win you over like a hostile acquisition
Honey, please sign the contract, lets go over the conditions,
When you say private equity,
I feel such ecstacy
Let’s cash in on some over the counter options
If you say your feelings are true,
I would amortize bonds premiums for you,
I’ve fallen for you like Citigroup’s quarterly profits
I’ve fallen for you like Citigroup’s quarterly profits

You make me weak like the subprime mortgage did to the market,
You make me mad like a bad manager who never reached his target
Oh baby, can’t you see, you and me we’re a synergy
I want you to be in my portfolio.

Say yes to me like Goldman did last Monday
You’re worth more than their signing bonus oh baby
Your beta value turns me on,
Doing your dirty things like Ken Lay at Enron,
But I like it, like the tea at ABP
But I like it, like Finance 203
Darling lets go public
And become a PLC
Girl I’m a biotech firm
So please invest in me!!

You make me weak like the subprime mortgage did to the market,
You make me mad like a bad manager who never reached his target
Oh baby, can’t you see, you and me we’re a synergy
I want you to be in my portfolio.