Friday Special: Words!

by Emerson Brooking

Some say that the power of language is what separates us from the animals. Bestiality, however, brings us back together. In any case, Emerson Brooking thinks words are awesome:

Words are awesome. They (Words) are the most important thing in the world. When you read this article, the entire thing—both before and after this point—will have been written exclusively with Words. I am a huge fan of Words, and try to use them quite often. I guess that’s both my ultimate weakness and my ultimate strength. And that’s Ironic (which is an excellent Word)!

Unfortunately, not everyone likes Words. Some people—mostly engineering students, mathematicians, and President Bush—are at odds with Words. In fact, two out three of these groups claim that Numbers are better than Words. This claim is laughable enough to make me chuckle audibly, as I shall prove by busting three popular Number myths.

Numbers are the universal language. As if. There exist in Numbers things called “Irrational Numbers.” The definition of “Rational” is “something that can be understood,” as in “I think you’ve made a very rational decision.” The definition of a language is, “Something that two people use to understand each other.” How can you have a language if things are “Irrational” (i.e. not able to be understood)? Answer: You can’t!!! Have you ever heard of irrational Words? I didn’t think so. Words 1, Numbers 0.

The field of Numbers changes more than the field of Words. Number lovers will tell you that the study of Numbers has progressed faster than the study of Words. What they won’t tell you is that they’re wrong. Numbers are static—we already know every Number in existence, and it’s not like a “2” is suddenly going to pull a “10.” Meanwhile, Words are changing all the time. A few years ago, I always used the Word “Gay” to describe whenever I was feeling particularly happy. I recently found out that the Word “Gay” can also mean homosexual. It was a shock, but that just goes to show how wild and crazy Words can be.

Numbers are better descriptors than Words. Claiming there’s more room for subtle nuance in the realm of Numbers than the realm of Words is just plain silly talk. Whenever I feel cold, I don’t say “I feel cold on a scale of 4 out of 10.” I say I am either “very cold,” or “very very cold.” And just listen to my favorite Word: “Kapow.” Ka. Pow. The sound made when a Karate Master messes someone up. Also an Onomatopoeia (another great Word!). How do you replicate the power of “Kapow” with mere Numbers? “56848929392776!?” It just doesn’t carry the same emotional weight.

I rest my case. Saying that Numbers are better than Words is like defecating on an American flag: it’s unpatriotic, gross, and will make the Eagle cry. Except this time Words are the flag, God is the Eagle, and Numbers are Nazi Germany.

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