by Alex King

Being a Senior isn’t something that comes naturally to most Penn students. It’s a hard skill- even at a school of alleged Ivy League brainiacs, only slightly less than a quarter of Penn students master being a senior at any given time. That’s a paltry amount by any standard, so here are some tips on being a Senior.

The first step, of course, is to attend Penn for three years. That may seem like a short time, but that’s all it takes for the disgusting larva of a Freshman to pupate into a beautiful butterfly of Seniordom. If that analogy seems a little fruity for you, instead imagine Freshmen as feces-flinging apes and Seniors as dignified Homo Sapiens. If you’re a creationist, then, uh, I guess imagine Freshmen as Jews and Seniors as Christians? Anyway, yeah, spend three years here.

But there’s more to being a Senior than dicking around for three years. An important facet of being a Senior is your behavior in the classroom. When students first roll into Penn, they think of professors like the teachers of High School: all-knowing and all-powerful arbiters of knowledge and grading. Seniors know this isn’t the case though, which is why they treat Professors like employees. While other students sit rapt at attention, the Senior listens merely to humor the professor. If they deign to come to class at all.

For all other students, the future is just getting through college. For Seniors, the future is vast and terrifying. If a Senior has been unlucky enough not to find a job, graduation is a looming terror beyond which only uncertainty and misery exists. If a Senior has been lucky enough to find a job, graduation is a looming terror beyond which only awful toil and misery exists. It’s why we drink so much.

Obviously, the most important skill for a Senior is to have never been a Freshmen. This is essential. A Senior can have never been a Freshmen, otherwise they will not be able to shake their heads and say dismissively “Ugh, Freshman.” whenever anyone younger than them speaks. It is important that Seniors have always been as cool, smart, hip and awesome as they are now.

Lastly, I guess go to Feb Club events. Run into that kid from a recitation you took once a few years ago whose name you don’t know but he remembers yours. Smile and nod at someone you might have hooked up with at an NSO party four years previous. Greet that person you always see on Locust Walk but you have no idea who they are or where you know them from. Pretend to know what the Class Boards are. Lastly, form a tight circle with your close friends, and then talk about how great it is to have the whole class together.

If you master these techniques, why bother leaving? Become a Super Senior.