New Developments in Video Games

by Rish Chaudhuri

Judging from the recent success of the market by “I can’t be a rock star but I’m going to pretend to be by staying at home and tapping random buttons in hopes of being cool” games, the people at Activision have come up with a large number of absolutely sexual game ideas.

Cock Band – A simulation of the Physics Department Social Event/Party at DTD. There are no winners or losers, only cocks

Sitar Hero – Guitar Hero, but for brown people and George Harrison

Penn Band – The idea of the game is to not hit the correct notes. That way you will score the most points

Hero Hero – Smacketh the correct parts of the mighty beast at the correct moments, and you shall winneth the game, slayeth the beast…but still go home and cryeth yourself to sleep while singing “AAAAAAAAALLLL BYYY MYSEEEEEELF!” like Bridget Jones

Roofie Hero – Spike the bitches dranks to the crunk beatz of the DJ, you know what I’m sayin?

Emo Band – Continuous crying of different pitches. Bonus points if you collect over 15 milliliters worth of tears by the end of performance. Negative points if they are shed by crying over something that is actually sad.

Danny DeHero – Be really short, play the Penguin on Batman Returns, and appear completely trashed on national television…and not do anything related to do music.

Lamb Hero – Extra ketchup and no lettuce please.

And now for a list of winner’s of various Hero competitions:

Children’s Hero – Professor Ward

Decency Hero – Allied Barton

Family Violence Hero – Professor Robb

Degenerate Hero – Soulja Boy

Underwear Hero – We all know who that is!!

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