Spring Fling: The Apocalypse

by Alexander Jacobson

I understand that my $45,000 in tuition doesn’t go very far, but that’s no reason for the University to pick the fling lineup solely on selling tickets to as many student factions as possible. Then, to cover the difference they decide to open the show to the public. I’d just like to remind SPEC concerts that “the public” lives on 45th street and while I have nothing against the public, that doesn’t mean the “public” doesn’t have something against my privileged and gentrifying ass. Here are three reasons why the University is asking for a riot.

Failing to provide Toast. If the university wanted to save itself from having to pickup the aftermath of a riot, they should provide toast. The only reason I ever go to the football games is to release my weekly frustration by throwing balled-up toast onto the field come the end of 3rd quarter. I have heard of no plans for releasing the tension that will erupt on Franklin Field within the 45th street community when Luda hands the stage to not-Luda.

Mixing Insobriety. West Philadelphians bearing flasks of thunderbird rocking out to Luda along side Penn students armed with flasks of Bankers Club will be fine and dandy, but what happens when OK go comes on stage? Joe-frat-boy is going to go crazy and Joe-west-Philly is going to be deliriously confused over why he has suddenly ceased to enjoy the show. This can lead to only one thing: West Philadelphians choosing to enjoy the show by acting on Luda’s Lyrics and “slappin a nigga(common slang for Engineering students) today.”

Divergent interests. Many dearly love Luda. Many dearly love OK Go. But it is the select few that love both Luda and OK go. If the University wanted to pick a line-up that appeals to the College, Wharton, Engineering and Nursing, why don’t they just host a Good Charlotte concert, DJed by Alan Greenspan with a mobeus fractal laser light show projected onto a gigantic nutrition facts label? Riot.

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