by Emerson Brooking
Emerson Brooking is from the South, and he wants to explain the many different areas where the South has contributed to our nation’s culture. No, seriously, that’s what he’s writing about.
The Pennsylvania Punchbowl has entrusted me with the high honor of listing the three most awesome cultural contributions of the American South, my homeland for nineteen merry years. From the trailer parks of flatland Mississippi to the trailer parks of lowland Georgia, I have wandered, pondered, and learned. Over the course of my travels, I have interviewed two of the roughly hundred million people that inhabit the Bible Belt, the Black Belt, and all those other belts. Written for the first time – and ripe for human consumption – are the results of my tireless research.
Megachurches – Few can picture the modern American South without invoking images of the Megachurch, warehouse-sized Holiness Factories that distill Satan Juice into God Power. The definition of a church is a place where people worship and get religion. This means the definition of a Megachurch is that of a church, only mega and with scarier pastors. There could be an entire spiritual nomenclature based on putting important-sounding adjectives in front of the word “church.” Why stop at Megachurches when you could have Coolchurches? Superchurches? Ultrachurches? The possible choices are limitless, unlike your possible choices to salvation (i.e. one).
Slavery – The American South modernized Western Slavery, which in retrospect was probably a pretty bad idea. On the plus side, slavery gave way to the Civil Rights Movement, which was really cool. The end result was something like 50-50, so it turned out well all things considered. Anyway, the American South’s foray into slavery has spawned a variety of culturally significant practices. For instance, there is this thing where one person dresses up like a slave and the other one dresses up like the slave’s master, only instead of the master exploiting the slave’s labor to his personal economic advantage, they just have a lot of sex. The extent of slavery’s impact on modern culture is truly endless. Unfortunately, our SAC funding is not. Moving on…
Saying “Git-R-Done” A Lot – For those of you that know the Southern stylings of comedian Larry the Cable Guy, you likely also know that he is the best comedian ever. For those that don’t know who he is, here is a simple formula:
Will Ferrell X10Ben Affleck + John McCain = Larry the Cable Guy
Larry the Cable Guy has a very witty routine where he says, “Git-R Done!” in reference to everyday household chores. This is funny because “Git-R-Done,” as well as meaning, “I Am Going to Get That Done,” can also mean, “I Will Have Intercourse With That Woman.” The duality of meanings is hilarious.
The best thing about saying “Git-R-Done” is the universality of its application. Sure, you can apply it to mundane things like taking out the trash, fixing the TV, or having actual intercourse, but these uses only scratch the caked and yellow surface of the towering “Git-R Done” honey jar. Imagine more exotic applications, like at the beginning of tense international negotiations or during the middle of open heart surgery. It’s cultural contributions like this that make it so hard not to love the South.