What Kind of Coffee-Shop-Goer Are You?

by Alexander Jacobson

The Cyberer

If you regularly hit up the Engineering Cyber-Café, you are either really into physics, or really anal about checking your e-mail… or really into large curved pieces of wood. As the closest coffee distributor to DRL, this is the joint to hit up right before your Physics midterm. Unless it’s Physics for Lawyers, in which case you should save yourself the two dollars for coffee, two dollars for the bagel and extra 39 cents for cream cheese ’cause you’re just as well served to catch up on your rest. For those of you who anally check e-mail, loosen up your bowels and bounce right into Levine Hall, where Engineering is probably hosting some free food giveaway that your tuition is paying for. As for you wood-swooners, Irvine’s got a great set-up.


The time that you frequent Mark’s Café is much more important than the fact you’ve chosen to use Dining Dollar$ here instead of real dollars at Starbucks on 34th. If you’re in Marks in the late afternoon, congratulations—you’re probably the ideal student doing his homework before he/she goes home to play. If you’re hitting up Mark’s at 11:54 in hopes of getting free pastries that will hold you over until 3am when you wake up from the excuse for a nap we all call studying, you are not part of Penn’s 40% Jewish population, that’d be anti-Semitic, you’re a very wise fellow.

The Bursar Babe

If you find yourself in Starbucks below Commons it means you like Starbucks coffee, but you don’t want to pay real money for it. Beware though, those inflated-regular-Starbucks prices will put a dent in your meal plan faster than a Penn Security guard will flash you his cock.

The Wine & Dine Her ’till She Swoons

If you’re at Starbucks on 34th you’ve probably just asked someone out on a date. Why else would you be paying full-price for over-priced coffee with real money than not to appear as cheap as you actually are? (Again, directed at the general student population, not the 40% Jewish student population). This is where you take that broad/hunk-you-not-so-accidentally- bumped-into-after-your-midterm-because-it-was-already-halfway-through-the-semester-and-you-didn’t-want-to-blow-that-golden-opportunity for coffee. All I can say is good luck kid, just make sure you pretend you know the guy behind the desk, so they think you’re a real-money-tootin’ regular

THE OM-FUCKING-G-ALL-I-WANT-is-to-say-something-in-ENGLISH coffee drinker

If you’re grabbing coffee in Williams Hall, you’re probably a really poor language student who’s just spent a desperate 48 minutes 37 seconds of your 8am class speaking a language that wasn’t English and you needed a reason to talk to the first person you saw. Fortunately, everyone knows someone who works or has worked here, and everyone who works there is exorbitantly friendly. Don’t forget your William’s punch-card, ’cause every 10th excuse to talk to the first person you see in English is free.

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