by Walker Hawkins

Over this past Spring Break I was digging around my room and I happened upon numerous artifacts of my childhood, including this list of friend rankings from the 3rd Grade. While it may seem juvenile, please remember that I was only 9 and that playing with my classmates emotions was secondary to knowing who my real friends were.

7. Brian: Not actually my friend, but stays on the list because he’s really good at my homework.

6. Mary: Yes she has cooties, but my mom says she’s a “nice girl” and that I “should be her friend” and that I shouldn’t “use her like my deadbeat dad used my mom for meth money and a good time”.

5. Corey: Have you seen how many Pogs he has?

4. Ben: The best food to trade at lunch time (I love Jell-o).

3. Wheelchair Frankie: The best way to make sure you never get picked last for kickball is to always have someone around you who is even worse.

2. Gorvat: Mom says he isn’t real, but he says that she’s “wrong” and a “bitch” and that he would “totally tap that”. I’m not really sure what all that means, but I hope that one day she can see him and that they fall in love and he becomes my real dad who doesn’t play games that involve hitting me with a belt.

1. Sammy!: He is the best. We do everything together and I hope that we’re friends forever. Sometimes when I’m with him I just have this feeling that as long as we’re together everything will be alright. I’m not really sure how to explain it, but just sleeping in the same room as him makes me feel like that episode of Doug when he writes Patty Mayonnaise that song, but she still doesn’t understand how he feels about her…Sammy + Walker = BFF

---