by Rish Chaudhuri
1. Don’t Get Into The Music – According to the College Rockshow Almanack, people who actually jump around and show their appreciation for the music being played are complete and utter losers. Moshing, jumping around, and singing along are like so 9th grade. What is in however, is the “Incompetent Goldfish”. That’s what all the hip dudes are doing nowadays. So put on your most gormless expression, OD on some caffeine pills, and stare at the band in as zombie-like of a fashion as you can. If you don’t blink for more than 2 minutes, your credibility goes up by 1 HP. As the song goes, silence is golden, and if you do not talk to anyone at all as well, your credibility gains an astonishing 3 HP. Quite amazing.
2. Yell “Free Bird!” – Unfortunately, people who enjoy the music and get into the swing of things actually exist. There is a particular subsect of this broad group whose major purpose in life is to yell “Free Bird!” at random moments. So pervasive is this phenomenon that it has been classified by the American Psychologists Association as an offshoot of Tourette’s syndrome: Liberatis Avis Syndrome. The only cure: more cowbell.
3. Don’t Yell “Free Bird”
4. Dance Awkwardly – Another segment of the degenerate folk that get into the music is the “One Dance Fits All” people. No matter what the music playing is, from Chingy to the Clash, these notorious individuals will find a way to time their ungainly waddle to the time of the song. They are so precise that music teachers and conductors use them as metronomes in lieu of actual metronomes. What you learn in college is a load of bollocks. Human metronomes are the career of the future. Laugh now, but when you go to Metronome Night School in search of some extra cash, the last laugh will be on you.
5. Don’t Talk To The Band – Citing our beloved “College Rockshow Almanack”, it is absolutely sacrilegious to talk to the band after the show, let alone look at them. It is said that heathen musicians can spread their debaucherous and immoral ways to the faithful through the power of a single stare. Roadies can’t do shit. But I digress. Talking to the band is illegal in every state except California, as it threatens the delicate moral fabric that we have taken years to cultivate. In the unfortunate instance that you do come across a band member, remember the following things. Stay still, look away, and play dead.
6. Don’t Have A Fucking Clue About Anything To Do With Music – According to Cosmo, adhering to old sayings is once again in vogue. A favorite saying amongst all the hip kids is “ignorance is bliss”. The College Rockshow Almanack, being the cutting-edge publication that it is, has incorporated this into its tenets of rockiquette. As you can guess, not having a fucking clue about what is going on in the music world is a highly lauded virtue amongst the snobs. Knowledge of any sort of music that is not currently shown on MTV is the most heinous form of selling out. And one wouldn’t want to do that if you are to have friends of any kind.