by Alexander Jacobson

Fraternity Brothers. You can’t live with them and you can’t live without them. Well, you can, but with men this classy– why would you want to? I have infiltrated one of their meetings to share their precious Chapter Minutes with you.

Beer-pong Tournament
– Brother Sixtecula motions to make tournament co-ed
– Brother Smartass points out that women hate beer pong
– Brother Roofley motions to order 450 GHB pills
– Brother Smartass seconds.
– Brother Sixtecula calls.
– Brother Smith motions to punch anyone who roofies him in the balls.
– Brother Gonzalez objects on grounds that Brother Smith has no balls.
– Brother Chad raises the issue of the fraternity’s long-term reptuation as ‘Sketchy.’
– Awkward silence
– Motion to make beer-pong tournament co-ed passes.

Brotherly relations
– Brother Jintao motions to demand that Brother Smith refrain from putting a flashlight in his mouth to make his cheeks glow.
– Brother Smith seconds Brother Jintao’s motion
– Brother Gonzalez calls
– Brother Smith motions to buy 50 Calculus books for Brother Jintao
– None second

Fund-raising
– Brother DiFeliciantonio suggests the brotherhood make arrangements with his family.
– Brother Smith refuses to push cocaine.
– Brother Gonzalez motions to strongly suggest that the brotherhood push cocaine.
– Brother Mimple admits he’s a pandsy and also refuses to push cocaine.
– Motion fails.
– Brother Schwartzeneggar motions to raise dues
– Brother Fiscalia-Conservato hurls empty bottle of Jack Daniels towards Brother Schwartzeneggar.
– Brother Schwartzeneggar catches said bottle, eats it and raises dues.

Pledging
– Brother MedgePlaster motions to pledgetask Pledge Crotch to make him a sandwich.
– President Mope says that’s completely irrelevant for a Chapter meeting.
– Brother MedgePlaster inquiries as to whether President Mope would like a sandwich.
– Motion passes.

Acquiring Mixer with Penn Women’s center
– Brother De-Mott suggests that this is not a good idea.
– Brother Hansen points out that if they’re pro-abortion, they’re definitely DTF.
– President Mope objects on grounds that the women’s center and Penn for Choice are not the same organization
– Brother Hansen doesn’t give a shit.
– Brother De-Mott re-epmhasizes that this is really not a good idea.
– President Mope asks why the fuck not PLEDGE.
– Brother De-Mott admits to going to the Women’s Center for free waffles while wearing a T-shirt that said “If I wanted your opinion, I’d take my dick out of your mouth.”
– Brotherhood scolds Brother De-Mott… for not sending that out to the listserv
– Brother De-Mott formally apologizes and suggests we e-mail a Drexel Sorority
– Motion tabled on grounds that no one knows anyone in a Drexel sorority.

Natty vs. Beast
– The debate continues.