Chapter Minutes from Delti Iota Kappa(DIK) Fraternity

by Alexander Jacobson

Fraternity Brothers. You can’t live with them and you can’t live without them. Well, you can, but with men this classy– why would you want to? I have infiltrated one of their meetings to share their precious Chapter Minutes with you.

Beer-pong Tournament
– Brother Sixtecula motions to make tournament co-ed
– Brother Smartass points out that women hate beer pong
– Brother Roofley motions to order 450 GHB pills
– Brother Smartass seconds.
– Brother Sixtecula calls.
– Brother Smith motions to punch anyone who roofies him in the balls.
– Brother Gonzalez objects on grounds that Brother Smith has no balls.
– Brother Chad raises the issue of the fraternity’s long-term reptuation as ‘Sketchy.’
– Awkward silence
– Motion to make beer-pong tournament co-ed passes.

Brotherly relations
– Brother Jintao motions to demand that Brother Smith refrain from putting a flashlight in his mouth to make his cheeks glow.
– Brother Smith seconds Brother Jintao’s motion
– Brother Gonzalez calls
– Brother Smith motions to buy 50 Calculus books for Brother Jintao
– None second

– Brother DiFeliciantonio suggests the brotherhood make arrangements with his family.
– Brother Smith refuses to push cocaine.
– Brother Gonzalez motions to strongly suggest that the brotherhood push cocaine.
– Brother Mimple admits he’s a pandsy and also refuses to push cocaine.
– Motion fails.
– Brother Schwartzeneggar motions to raise dues
– Brother Fiscalia-Conservato hurls empty bottle of Jack Daniels towards Brother Schwartzeneggar.
– Brother Schwartzeneggar catches said bottle, eats it and raises dues.

– Brother MedgePlaster motions to pledgetask Pledge Crotch to make him a sandwich.
– President Mope says that’s completely irrelevant for a Chapter meeting.
– Brother MedgePlaster inquiries as to whether President Mope would like a sandwich.
– Motion passes.

Acquiring Mixer with Penn Women’s center
– Brother De-Mott suggests that this is not a good idea.
– Brother Hansen points out that if they’re pro-abortion, they’re definitely DTF.
– President Mope objects on grounds that the women’s center and Penn for Choice are not the same organization
– Brother Hansen doesn’t give a shit.
– Brother De-Mott re-epmhasizes that this is really not a good idea.
– President Mope asks why the fuck not PLEDGE.
– Brother De-Mott admits to going to the Women’s Center for free waffles while wearing a T-shirt that said “If I wanted your opinion, I’d take my dick out of your mouth.”
– Brotherhood scolds Brother De-Mott… for not sending that out to the listserv
– Brother De-Mott formally apologizes and suggests we e-mail a Drexel Sorority
– Motion tabled on grounds that no one knows anyone in a Drexel sorority.

Natty vs. Beast
– The debate continues.

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