When the news broke this past week, I was almost expecting it. I didn’t want to rely on stereotypes, but I new it had to be true.

“Extra, Extra, read all about it! Barack’s got a big package!” I would hear ringing through the streets of a fictional place that makes my story much more compelling. But what surprised me the most is the way in which Barack was yielding his mighty tool. He said that it would be a stimulus package. It was going to change America. Of course it would; that’s what every man hopes. I was surprised that no one had interviewed Michelle Obama to see if Barack was really a man of his word. She probably wouldn’t boast to the media about the splendor of her husband, so only time could tell. Many were in denial that Barack’s package was so impressive. Republicans were outraged, saying that such a big package being used to stimulate the country was reckless and unnecessary. When all you’ve had is Bush for the past 8 years, it takes time to get used to any package, regardless of size and the possibility of immediate stimulation. But the house approved, and then the Senate, and before I knew it Barack was admiring his own package, preparing to present it to America.

I was still hesitant. Maybe it’s because I’m a little envious and wish I had the reputation that Barack has. Gee, if everyone knew I had such a big package that could stimulate so many people, I could actually make good use of those condoms I keep stealing from the Women’s center. My uncertainty lay in the stimulating potential of Barack’s package. It’s typical that big packages excite people. But it takes a caring, sensitive, loving person to really know how to stimulate someone else. And just because you have a big package doesn’t mean you will necessarily stimulate; you might actually hurt someone. Of course, Barack’s package has just entered the gaping hole that was once our economy, and it takes time to fully stimulate lady liberty and the economic prosperity she represents. When our economic recovery has climaxed, I will be convinced. But until then, Barack better keep his package from any backdoor policy that comes his way.

Brought to you humbly by Alexi Dinerstein, the latest member of our staff to join only after being Shanghaied by fifteen sorority girls infected with venereal disease…twice.