So-Not-Fat-Girl: I wanna lose weight
Friend: Have you been going to the gym?
So-Not-Fat-Girl: Well I wanna do something that isn’t strenuous, so
I’m just not going to eat
Friend: So you’re anorexic now?
So-Not-Fat-Girl: I’m only anorexic if I get results.

Shamelessly-Plugging-Professor: As noted in my book…
Student 1: God, if we have to hear about that book one more time
Student 2: Shut up dude, just think how empty his life must be
Student 1: You’re right (Smiles endearingly at professor)

Dude: I’m telling you, she’s a slut
Chick: Have you ever spoken to her?
Dude: No.
Chick: So how can you say she’s a slut?
Dude: Because I fucked her!