by Shai Nir

Time zones are more than just arbitrary geographic divisions. They’re, like, a spirit thing, man. And as your sleep schedule drifts this way and that you’ll take on different time zones throughout your life and throughout the year. And while most of us won’t get to experience Porn Star Time or Astronaut Time any time soon, here are a few personal time zones you might run into:

• High School Time is for many people inhumanly stressful. Society demands that you excel at academics, join three dozen clubs, and give back to your community; to keep friends and keep straight As; to run track and run a hospital; to spend more than half your time in school and more than half of your income on weed. You have to balance scholastics, socialization, sports, service, sanity, and sleep. Only by sacrificing the latter two can you earn a place at a prestigious Ivy League university. But if you don’t, you can still go to Penn.
• College Time, for me, is about four hours ahead of EST. I go to bed every night around three or four and wake up about a quarter past eleven. I can generally afford to sleep this late because my class schedule is fucking sweet. I think if we all refuse to sign up for classes that start before noon, the school will get the hint and accommodate us. This goes double for required courses. Through our collective actions, our will will be done. Arise, students of Pennsylvania — but not too late! Show the Man that you are not afraid to sleep!
• Old People Time are the hours that The Man keeps. He wakes up at six in the morning, has a slice of toast, packs his briefcase, and goes to work. Then he sits at his big fancy office and starts typing up big fancy memos. After lunchtime he distributes said memos to everyone in the building and gets all of their memos back. They spend the rest of the day chuckling at each other memos. At seven in the evening, The Man commutes home, has some dinner, bangs your mom, and goes to sleep by ten.
• Intern Time is the same schedule as Old People Time but your mom only gives them a handjob.
• Finally, Summer Time is the hours I naturally keep with nothing to do all day and no restraints on when to be awake. I get up at three or four in the afternoon, stay up until five in the morning. Y’know what, I’m not so tired. Make it six or seven. Hi, dad. Going to work? I’m not. Just gonna surf YouTube for another hour or two. I’ll probably get to sleep around nine, wake up in time for dinner. Then take another nap until ten in the evening. That way I can stay up until midday and catch all the Saturday morning cartoons. Wait, cartoons these days are crap. I’ll just download some classic ones. Have myself a little Powerpuff Girls marathon until three PM. Then I’ll take another nap, or, hell, sleep is for the weak, I’ll just scarf down a box of Lucky Charms, the sugar’ll keep me going until seven or eight at least. Play Ratchet & Clank until I start getting a sugar low… Better have another bowl of cereal. All out? It’s fine, I got some gummy worms here, just enough to hold on until nine PM… Hold on until ten…

  …Wake up at six in the morning.

  And that, boys and girls, is called growing up.