The Punch Bowl Guide to Summer Internships

By Lance ArmstrongWildorf

Like an unforgiving venereal disease, summer is hot, itchy, and starts poking its head a few weeks after spring break. A crucial part of the summer for the anally-retentive Ivy League college student, is the much sought-after internship. There you’ll learn how to effectively synergize in a work environment. You’ll make important connections for a future professional life. Most importantly, you’ll even get to pry hush money from your boss after you report an innocent shoulder tap as being “outside your comfort zone.” However, in order to learn these life lessons, you must first understand how to successfully navigate the application process.

The first part of any proper application is the resume. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Isn’t the cover letter the first part of your application?” WRONG. Everyone puts their cover letters before their resumes. Don’t be boring. Impress your future bosses with your brash sense of individualism and dontgiveafuckishness.1 Order isn’t everything, though. If you want to write a mouth-watering resume, you’ve gotta know what to include. The resume is your time to brandish your proudest professional and educational accomplishments. DON’T BE ARAID TO USE CAPITALIZATION. Bolding and underlining works too. WORDS LIKE THESE DON’T JUST CONVEY YOU’RE MESSAGE, THEY’RE THE STYLISTIC EQUIVALENT TO A COCAINE-FUELED SCREAMING MATCH WITH CHRISTIAN BALE2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!3 Don’t use italics. Italics are for PUSSIES, WHARTON STUDENTS, AND THE UNEMPLOYED.4. Also, don’t be afraid to lie in your resume. 8 out of 11 stock brokers prefer a unique, interesting, and cocaine induced lie to a truly boring resume.5 An interesting lie shows creativity and tells your boss you’ll do anything to get the job. Besides, what sounds more hirable, “President of Cornell University” or “Staff Writer for The Daily Pennsylvanian?” While you’re free to lie, a resume should not be long winded. Like an eloquent poem, a shot of good brandy, and my weiner, your resume should be short but powerful. Make sure you only GIVE what absolutely needs to be included. Maybe you shouldn’t bullet-point that time you did missionary work in Africa. Trust ME, highlight the important stuff. Tell them about when you and your bro Eiffel-Towered that Tijuana hooker last spring break.6 Talk about the time you puked and rallied three times during SAE hell week. Most importantly, when applying for a medical position, tell Doctor Greenberg about how he used to treat your Aunt Ethel’s bunions.7 Make them want to hire the fuck out of you.

Next comes A formal expression of interest in the sought after internship position, the cover letter. Show how badly you want it. Any smart applicant will tell you to include a nice crisp TWENTY DOLLAR bill with every cover letter.8 Nothing says hire me like Andrew Jackson’s snarling face. Like President Jackson’s ability to ruin the lives of thousands of Native Americans, your cover letter should be impressive. Use statistics to your advantage. For instance, when applying for a legal position write, “It’s a fact that 100% of bar certified lawyers passed the bar.” If you’ve gotta, make them up. A made-up statistic demonstrates your skill at manipulating numbers. For example, tell your employer that 1 out of 5 Harvard interns will try and molest his children.9 Is that a chance he’s willing to take? Regardless of your employer’s failure as a parent, don’t take any chances when conveying your knowledge. The cover letter is a time to show how much you know about a subject. In order to do that, you should use as many buzzwords as you can. Therefore, if you apply for a government internship, your cover letter should include something like, “Civics Majority Whip Obama Filibuster Republican Abortion Political O-Zone Pork Barrel Harry Reid Nancy Pelosi’s Gaping Vagina.” Show them you know your shit.

You’re almost there. The line about those deviant Crimsons worked. Now it’s time for the interview. Don’t BLOW it. The most important part of any interview is the handshake, the first impression. If you’re a minority, use this time to play up your racial benefits. If you’re black, offer him an intricate brotha pound. If you’re Jewish, immediately after the shake, howl “Oy” while painfully rubbing your pinky finger. Finally, if you’re any type of Chinese, stealthily whip out a samurai star and throw it at the picture of the employer’s family. In all three of these cases, the interviewer will be so terrified of seeming racially insensitive, that he’ll surely hire you.10 Now during the actual interview, don’t seem too nervous. Answer the questions with a nonchalant, relaxed demeanor. Go ahead, take a couple of shots beforehand. I recommend bringing a flask with you just in case. Don’t be afraid to insert a playful poke in the ribs or a “youcocksuckingsonuvabitch” to your answers. The interview is your chance to sell your abilities to a living, breathing human being.11 Play up your major, and the skills it has allotted you. For instance, English majors should emphasize their writing skills, Econ majors should discuss how they handle data, and philosophy majors should show off their ability to take monster bong hits while watching the matrix. Don’t be afraid to talk about your minors too, even the ones you don’t have. Above all else, try to conduct yourself with the highest standard of integrity. Stand up straight, keep constant eye contact, and only use the word “retard” if you’re positive the interviewer isn’t retarded.

There you go. You’re on your way to a comfy JOB doing grunt work for an alcoholic i-banker. It’s a proven fact that 3 out of 612 readers who implement these rules immediately receive feedback. PLEASE13, use these skills dearly. Hold them close to your heart. Because like an amorphous rash after a weekend in Tijuana, nothing says “I’m experienced” like a summer internship.

1 Made up words impress your reader. It’s a proven fact that the person who knows more words is also smarter. Former President George W. Bush was the main pioneer of this groundbreaking filosophuck.
2 I’m addicted to cocaine.
3 Exclamation points are also a plus!!!!!!!!!!
4 I apologize for the glaring redundancies.
5 No, but seriously, I’m addicted to cocaine.
6 See first and last sentences.
7 By the way, a phone call would be nice.
8 And yes, they get offended when you use Monopoly money.
9 7 out of 8 Ivy League schools will agree with this statement.
10 Hey, it worked for Obama.
11 Unless, of course, you apply to Goldman Sachs.
12 Which sounds better than 1 out of 2.

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