by Brian Serpico

It is known to all that each fraternity guards a secret recipe for creating the perfect jungle juice. But now the secret is out. Brian Serpico discloses “What’s in that cup,” aside from roofies of course:

So, you’ve just been handed a drink that you didn’t see get made. And while you know it goes against everything you believed in high school, you ARE in the process of re-inventing yourself for college (Robert Cohen from New Jersey? You are now “Robby from North Jersay!”), so, what the hell. You’re going to drink it. That’s fine. We’re not here to preach—we’re here to teach! So, if only to satisfy our own curiosity— we’ve certainly woken up next to our half-naked House Dean a time or two as well—we did some research to find out the answer to the question that plagues every trusting little freshman:

Just what IS in that drink?

10% Banker’s Club
1% Pieces of the glass Banker’s Club bottle that the bartender dropped in the can
5% Cough Syrup (non-narcotic)
20% Cough Syrup (highly narcotic)
5% Flaky residue from two parties ago (serving trash can was not washed)
25% “Exotic Blend” Fruit Juice (generic store brand; from concentrate; expired)
0.5% GHB
0.5% GBL
0.05% ODB
5% Laundry detergent, put in by disgruntled rejected pledge
5% Absolut, put in when genius freshman “spiked” the obviously already spiked punch
10% Legendary “Punch Bowl Humor Magazine” Punch
5% Less famous “Daily Pennsylvanian” Punch
8% That gross watery stuff that always leaks out of your trash bags