If you’re like me, you probably wonder about a lot of things. Why is the sky blue? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop? Why does the Ronald McDonald on 40th and Walnut taste like hobo piss and sadness and not french fries? Most importantly I ask myself, who are these creatures who wear hooped earrings, eat Cosi, and always give me weird looks in Poly Sci. Why do they always smell so nice? No silly, I don’t mean Beta Boys. I’m talking about the fairer gender. “Girls.” Many guys have as much of a problem talking to girls as they do masturbating with their non-dominant hand. With practice, however, both can be fulfilling encounters.

Girls seem to have similar trouble understanding the male psyche. Their complex emotional states and complicated cognitions cannot seem to grasp the male psychological triad of “Food” “Sleep” and “Tits.” All male desires can be broken down easily into these three basic categories. To further assist the Penn Dating community with the understanding of the opposite sex, I’ve compiled a conversation with a variety of acceptable choices between a man and a woman he is trying to [court][slam].

Guy: Hello my [name] [penis’s name] is Sheldon.
Girl: Pleased to [meet] [meat] you.
Guy: What’s your [name] [tattie size]?
Girl: [Dee].
Guy: Oh cool! that’s the [name] [tattie size] of [my great aunt] [the clown who put me in a bath of freezing cold water and stole my left kidney]
Girl: So what [classes] [prescription drugs] are you taking?
Guy: I’m taking [Macro] [Atavan] for my [ PPE Major] [crippling night terrors].
Girl: No way! I totally have [an interest in econ] [crippling night terrors] too!
Guy: Yeah I know it sounds weird but sometimes I [do econ homework for fun] [spontaneously urinate at my nephew’s clown themed birthday parties].
Girl: That is [weird] [intriguing] [sexy].
Guy: Do you belong to a [sorority] [travelling band of kidney thieves]?
Girl: Yes, I’m in [Tri Delt].
Guy: Oh I appreciate a girl with a [strong value of loyalty] [great fashion sense] [intense proclivity for cock].
Girl: How about you? Are you into [the frat scene] [BDSM]?
Guy: Nah, any group of people that gets together in a dark basement for the sole purpose of abusing each other isn’t really for me.
Girl: But are you [going to join a secret society] [a fan of puppeteer Frank Oz]?
Guy: Oh yeah I totally love Oz!!
Girl: But isn’t Oz known to take advantage of [drunk girls] [celibate Star Wars fans]?
Guy: I mean when they go to a [party at Oz] [Star Wars Convention], they pretty much know what they’re getting into.
Girl: I just don’t really like [muppets].
Guy: So what do you do when you’re not [studying] [eating man stick like a starving homeless man scarfing down a McGriddle].
Girl: You know the usual, [hanging out with my girlfriends] [watching The Notebook] [looking for discount clown masks].
Guy: I fucking love Nicholas Sparks.
Girl: Cool, what do you do when you’re not [studying] [being treated for clown induced PTSD] [thinking about food, sleep, or tits]?
Guy: Well the truth is I really don’t have time for anything else.
Girl: Well, I gotta go now. Anything else you need to tell me?
Guy: I think [that’s it] [I killed Jonbenet Ramsey]. Bye Dee!
Girl: See Ya! By the way, I’m coming [over] [for your right kidney] tonight!

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