To the gentlemen of the world,

Oftentimes people criticize men for their lack of respect for the entire female gender and their chauvinistic treatment of women on dates. They couldn’t be more wrong about us. What they’re not telling you is that all “gentlemen” have been men, and that a woman has never been a “gentleman.” However, my court-sanctioned public service requires me to write this letter reminding everyone about what it takes to be a gentleman. We could all analyze the shortcomings of the judicial system OR we could take this opportunity to brush up on our manners—-things often forgotten when we find ourselves in a hurry or a semi-conscious state.

1.) Don’t call them funbags.

2.) Under no circumstances is it acceptable to pet her legs. Stick to one of them at a time.

3.) When she asks how she looks, don’t say “jugly” even if her distasteful dress does exaggerate her breasts.

4.) When opening a car door for a lady, it is most common for the man to slide across to spare the lady the inconvenience of sliding across in a dress. When opening a car door for your date, feel free to shove her in headfirst. That jugly girl is far from a lady.

5.) If you do happen to swear at her accidentally, she may ask “excuse me?” In this case, cover your tracks by complimenting her necklace. If she’s not wearing a necklace, compliment her eyes. If she’s not wearing her eyes, what the hell kind of person doesn’t have eyes?!

6.) Fake an interest in her taste in music. As the saying goes, a man that’s into a girl’s music is into a girl’s pants.

7.) Whenever it comes time to order, feel free to pick everything for her. It makes you look powerful, and it spares her the trouble of thinking and choosing something dumb and/or expensive.

8.) When the check does come, try to hesitate as long as possible to give her an opportunity to pay. If she doesn’t bite, you should probably suggest going Dutch. We’re not trying to kill ourselves here.

9.) When you take her home, it’s polite to give her a kiss. It’s impolite to give her a hiney-grab.

10.) If you had a good time, use the 24-hour rule: wait at least 24 hours before calling her again and then call her every 24 hours until either she agrees to another date or you get arrested.

I hope most of these confirmed what you already do in practice. If they didn’t, you should try to implement them with all due haste. Women will love you for it and you will be acting ethically, morally and responsibly. Have a wonderful day.

Manly,
A.T. Piskai