Halloween is just around the corner. Well, not really but people tend to brainstorm costume ideas more intensely than John McCain had to think about how to conceal the fact that he is older than both spam and the state of Hawaii. Anyways, this holiday is the one night a year (well five nights) where you can practically walk around naked without people throwing quarters at you, asking you in the infamous Borat voice, “Very niiice, how much?” It is the time to make the unslutty seem slutty, the slutty seem even sluttier, and to finally put to use that old witch costume (or Christine O’Donnell’s every day attire) that has been sitting in your closet for ten years. For those looking to have some fun, I have compiled a list of Halloween costumes that if you wear, the only things you will go home with on Halloween night are a hangover and the number to the virgin hotline.
Spongebob: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Spongebob! Alone! Because the sound of his voice makes you want to gouge your eyes out with blunt forks. I guarantee if you wear this costume the only people who will talk to you are your two other weird friends who decided to dress up as catdog.
Michael Jackson (Post Jackson 5): For someone who thought Boyz-2-Men was a delivery service, walking into a party with a painted white face and a black umbrella will surely clear out the place and make it as empty as a Sigma Nu party.
Sigmund Freud: This dude spent his life telling virgins how sex was the driving force of human nature. That’s like telling a blind person that the meaning of life lay in multihued flowers. As someone who was such an advocate of sex, he looks like he didn’t have much of it himself.
Universal Studios Tourist: Obese with hot dog in one hand, funnel cake in the other, wearing tie-dye. That type of game only works for Jonah Hill.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: Trying to make a malicious dictator into a sexy costume is like trying to figure out how to use a toilet in China. It just doesn’t work. Plus this guy pronounces the word ‘Israel’ with the same venom that most people reserve for war criminals, Dick Cheney or crocs, and this is JewPenn we’re talking about.
Paula Deen: I agree with the saying “Never Trust a Thin Chef” but with what I agree with even more is “Never Trust a Chef who uses more sticks of butter in one recipe than the number of biddies Ben Franklin fooled around with.“(I guess karma is a bitch because now people piss on his face). Plus trying to impersonate her southern accent is very much the anti-hot.
Luman: You may be confused as to what this is, but it is a costume that is part lizard, part human. I was this last year. Trust me, it REALLLY doesn’t work, unless worn by Angie Jolie . Or Ricky Martin.