Lessons for the Children of the Future

Dear Future Grandchildren,

If you are reading this, the year is probably 2060. If Glenn Beck was right, then China and the Mexicans have taken over the world. The food must be good in the future.

But this letter is not about geopolitics. As the younger generation, you kids don’t understand nothin’. I’m sure you’re beginning to experiment now, trying things like Space Cocaine and FutureSex. But before you go joyriding on a spaceship to Jupiter, I have some important lessons to teach you.

1. Cloning ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. If Star Wars, Episode II: The Clone Wars is any indication, a future with cloning will be consumed by war, wooden acting, and Ewan McGregor. I don’t care how much you liked Moulin Rouge, and I don’t care if you have five extra lungs thanks to cloning—nothing good will come of it.

2. Take global warming seriously. In the ‘90s, we foolishly ignored climate change, and in the ‘00s we really suffered the consequences: being constantly harassed by Greenpeacers with clipboards. I’m sure that in the future, Greenpeace will start using hover cars and fiber optics to irritate people in new, exciting ways. Please, do what you can to silence them before it’s too late.

3. E-readers are overrated. Back in my day, we had newspapers. Granted, we didn’t actually read them, but they were pretty sweet for making papier-mâchés. I dare you to make a piñata out of a Kindle.

4. Remember the Alamo.

5. Beware of Google. It’s one nuclear (pronounced ‘new-kya-lar’ in our time) missile away from turning into Skynet, so whatever you do, don’t trust Google. Yes, I know Chrome is really fast. And yes, you can totally see a girl sunbathing topless if you type in the right coordinates on Google Earth. Gmail is pretty sweet too. Oh wait, have you tried Google Wave? Awesome, right? I tried it the other day, and man…wait, what was I going to say?

6. It’s okay to be confused about the 1980s. You’ll be looking through your history books, asking confused questions like, “Who decided it was socially acceptable to wear parachute pants and red leather jackets?” “Were all of the ThunderCats gay, or just most?” And “What was Willis talkin’ ‘bout?” Rest assured. We wondered the same things ourselves, and the truth is that there’s no good answer to any of these questions.

Time, like menstruation or carbon fixation, goes in cycles. So although the days of 2010 may seem long gone for you young’ns, don’t be surprised if yoga pants and the Double Rainbow song make a comeback soon. Also, I have this condition where I occasionally go blind for 4-6 hours at a time, and I heard that stuff skips a generation. You might want to watch out for that.

Afraid of change,

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