You’re probably wondering, “Man, I love reading Punch Bowl columns and magazines, listening to their radio broadcasts, and watching all of the YouTube video they’ve made. When are they going to start a band?”

I’ve been wondering the same thing, hombre. Since none of my fellow Punch Bowlers play any instruments, I decided to do some research to find instruments for them to play. Here’s what I’ve found:

Ostrich Egg Ocarina

The person who would play the ostrich egg ocarina in our band would be the “bad boy” of the group, because he would be the one who would have to carve an ostrich fetus out of his instrument.

Serpent

The most soulful member of our band would play the serpent. Just look at the raw gospel power of a Serpent’d “Amazing Grace”. However, the catch with the Serpent is that you would never see it being played, instead we would only show stills of a person playing it during our concerts.

Contrabass Sarrusophone

The most flatulent member of our group would play the Contrabass Sarrusophone. It would mask their own off-putting flatulence with a louder, moister sound. The Contrabass Sarrusophone also works well as indoor plumbing or a WMD from a Dr. Seuss story.

Ophicleide

The mainstream, or most popular member of our band would play the Ophicleide for obvious reasons. It’s clearly the most well-known and sexiest of all instruments. The Summit in Berlin, as the video suggests, gathers all three of the world’s Ophicleider-Men for a rockin’ 1 minute jam session.

At this point you’re probably asking yourself, “Sam! What will you play? What could you possibly play to be the leader of this group, the one who takes command and stands out as the man in charge of this band?”

Goat Bagpipes

We’ll see you at our Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony.