To all my single ladies (and gentlemen),

I write to you today because I am appalled at what I have just uncovered. I cannot believe that Penn has just held its recent Date Auction yet again. How will you keep up your “social ivy” reputation with people donating money to charity for a chance to date your own student body? Worse though are the awful descriptions in the leaflets that were handed out to all the people who attended the 2nd annual Penn Date Auction. I opposed them last year and now I feel like I’m having deja vu (feat. Jay-Z). Here, I’ll show you what I’m talking about on page 7:

Lot 3583: Bob Johnson is a sophomore in the engineering school, but the only thing he’s engineering is a little love. Ladies, you never have to worry about him not coming on time, since he’s always the first one to class. He’ll flip your circuit to turn you on, and then he’ll really go to Towne. You + Bob = 1 damn good time.

Lot 3423: Jennifer Finklestein is a Wharton junior that is more than eager to get into your business. This foxy little number’s textbooks aren’t the only things she keeps open. It makes sense to invest in Jennifer, because she’s money every time. Get your hands on this hot stock today.

Lot 9293: Give Charlotte Holden a chance and you’ll surely have her major: chemistry. Don’t let her glasses fool you. She’s DTF and we don’t mean Deoxygenated Triglucose Fluoronade. She keeps all her tubes squeaky clean and, with a little luck, who knows what will precipitate? Just don’t get on her bad side or she’ll burette clamp your sack.

Lot 2143: Stop the presses! The editor of the Daily Pennsylvanian is on the prowl. David Dweebwarmer is great at introductions, can find the holes in your body, and never finishes without a climactic conclusion. Just like the DP, he never knows the right thing to say, but you have to give him credit for being there every day. Besides, do you think he got to where he is in journalism by not sleeping his way to the top?

Lot 3949: Lawrence Lawngarden is a Law student at the Law school studying Law to become a Lawyer. If you like law like Lawrence likes law, you should write him a formal request to go out to coffee. If your resume is up-to-par and it’s consensually and mutually beneficial to both parties, he will attend said scheduled engagement. An impeccable dresser, his oral skills are not to be taken lightly. Like his commercials will say in a few years, “If you can’t watch your own backside, Lawrence Lawngarden will.”

Lot 9967: Freshman Shirley Juicemelons is the only thing in the college easier than her communications major. Don’t let that deter you though. She’s very mature for her age and her “personality” will keep you coming back for more. Like every good communications major, she’s far from quiet, especially when something gets up under her skin. If you know what we mean! OH YEAH!!! *Chest bump*

Lot 1218: When it comes to types of kissing, Regina Bacon should know a thing or two about French. After all, it is her major. She’ll surrender to you every time, and she’ll be a good token ally for decades. Invade her and reap the rewards.

Lot 7566: Paul Weaver is studying agricultural science abroad at Cornell and will cluck you until the cows come home (which he knows will be next Thursday). He’ll get you up early, ride you all day, and, if you want, he’ll sow his seeds with you. He likes it dirty and enjoys a good plow. Livestock welcome and preferred.

Can you believe that they promote that bulk desperation? I can say one thing. Destiny’s Child would never stand for something as crass, crude and corny as that. I hope the administration corrects this by next year or they can kiss any hopes of me coming to Spring Fling goodbye.

Get me bodied,
A. T. Beyonce