In the whole of human history, there is nothing more awesome than the whole of human history. History has given us Teddy Roosevelt, the Mongol Empire, the first two seasons of Battlestar Galactica, and Smallpox. There is no evolution, only a list of creatures history has allowed to survive. History is a way better teacher than experience, and a better dancer, and it has more friends. Those who do not learn from history are doomed to become it, and then you’ll have to be the teacher, and public speaking’s scary. So sit tight, strap on, and get ready to be force-fed a steamy ladle of history lesson.
44 BCE Julius Caesar is publicly assassinated on the Senate floor.
Lesson: Just because you conquered Gaul doesn’t mean you get to be a douche about it.
Ca. 0 CE Some guy gets stapled to a piece of wood in Judea for threatening the political establishment.
Lesson: Be good to people.
1521 A Holy Roman Empire assembly (or ‘diet’) in the German city of Worms decided intellectual Martin Luther to be dangerous and called for his immediate arrest.
Lesson: Ha ha, Catholics eat bugs.
1933-1945 Silent film actor Charlie Chaplin rises to power as the iron-fisted dictator of Freedonia. He quickly bans all chicken soup, prompting a mass exodus of Jews to Israel.
Lesson: A bird in the soup is worth two in the hand.
1941 Japanese planes rain down bombs on the American naval base at Pearl Harbor, Hawai’i.
Lesson: Even if you’re in Hawai’i, always have an umbrella.
1957 Months after a freak accident in which a New York woman flushed her baby down the toilet, civil engineers discover a giant baby roaming around New York’s sewers.
Lesson: Sewers make everything bigger. Wanna feed the hungry? Flush your food. Then there’ll be enough for everyone.
1969-1972 The Apollo missions finally succeed in putting men on the moon and bringing them back safely to Earth, fulfilling a decade-long goal that just fifteen years before would have been a dream, and a hundred years before would have been a fairy tale.
Lesson: White people will go to any lengths for cheese.
1981 A poor lovesick fool named John Hinckley Jr. tries in vain to impress Jodie Foster, only to inevitably fail as her heart was already captured by his nemesis, President Ronald Reagan.
Lesson: The early bird gets the worm. Especially if that bird is a Cardinal. Hah!
2011 A mentally unstable university student, working alone, dramatically bombs his first midterm of the semester.
Lesson: History exam, cough medicine, Bacardi – Pick two.