In honor of this past weekend’s commemoration of that time our ancestors sat around a colorful flat rock eating fried dinosaur meat and being bombarded with commercials depicting other people being hit in the genitals with Pepsi Max®, I thought I’d take a look at some of those holidays which have not stood the test of time.
Martin Luther Day: In honor of Luther’s radical belief that salvation was not achieved by doing good deeds but by complete faith in God and Jesus, people used to celebrate ML Day by going completely insane for 24 hours with little consequence. The celebration comes to a close with a parade, at the end of which the monkeys from a local zoo are brought to the nearest Catholic Church and throw exactly 95 Feces at the door. In the early 20th Century, this hedonistic situation had grown to be so chaotic that the Attorney General famously warned law enforcement officials across the country that, “Martin Luther Day is a day on, not a day off.”
DMV Day: This event began one day in 1966 when Carl Johnson was standing in line to get a new license plate. Rituals involved in this holiday include offering sacrifices to the ultimate Determinator of Fate, Jocinda the Clerk, as well as later cursing the name of Jocinda the Clerk and praying for her to break her long-ass nails while she’s on coffee break. It was eventually extended to DMV Month, but was ultimately rejected when the first celebration of DMV Month lasted until the following year’s celebration of DMV Month.
Green Day: Formed in the late 1980s to help push America towards a more environmentally friendly future. It started out pretty successfully, but for the past 10 years it has really sucked.
VJ Day: This joyous day was established to remember the great struggles which a number of young men and women had to endure during their service of our country as purveyors of musical entertainment as VJs for the MTV network. Douchily led by Carson Daly, they fought through severe Manhattan traffic every day so that we might enjoy watching 90 second clips of the same songs for three straight months, as established in our Constitution. Really, I have no idea why this idea didn’t stick.