JOHN F. KENNEDY SPACE CENTER- As famed talk show host and competitive yeller Rosie O’Donnell consumes more and more calories, NASA scientists say she will soon reach the critical mass that will classify her as a Red Giant Star.
“We’ve been keeping tabs on Ms. O’Donnell for months now,” Grady Gilbert a leading stellar researcher said. “At first she just ate small things. Chicken wings, pizza, sleeves of cookie dough, the normal diet of a 400 pound Jabba the Hut lookalike.”
However, things soon got uglier. Reports have surfaced that Rosie routinely walked into all you can eat buffets, bankrupting them in minutes. She took their title literally, as a challenge.
Soon she began spiraling out of control, ingesting gallons of mayo, airplanes, and even other fat people.
The scientists became concerned when Ms. O’Donnell developed an actual gravitational field, with various animals and small children trapped in an unforgiving orbit.
What’s next for the astronomical body formerly known as Rosie? According to Gilbert she’ll follow the course of any massive astronomical powerhouse. She’ll become so large that she will collapse, becoming a neutron star. Then, eventually, she will cease to exist, her mouth becoming an all-consuming black hole.
Lance, I think this article would have been funnier if you had included more business frat related jokes. I’ll give you a few examples of things to try for next time.
“Knock Knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Lance Wildorf”
“Sorry Lance. This is a business frat and we don’t have open parties so you can’t come in”
Why did the chicken fuck his brothers?
To join a business frat in order to make connections to further his career goals.