How to Make Something of your Life if you have No Skills

It is an unfortunate reality for innate idlers that our modern world requires one to hold a job to maintain a sustainable existence. While many people are what we call “do-ers”, there are many people, including myself, who I label as “do-not-ers.” Some people know they want to be lawyers, engineers, goat herders, or fortune cookie writers, while others just know that they want to eat Twinkies while watching Seinfeld reruns pantsless. However, people need money. Just like Vin Diesel needs to stop acting. Yet how does one attempt to find a job when the only activities he can put on his resume are competitive hot dog eating and CEO of a bong cleaning service (1-800-Barack Obonga)? There are ways to work around this seeming lack of involvement, as Pauly D has graciously showed us. It is time for those do-not-ers to get out of their buffalo wing stained bathrobes and learn some type of skill (no boys, left-handed masturbation does not count).

Learn a Skill Online– Nowadays, you can do anything online. Learn how to make a web page, learn how to play the yukalaylee, break the government’s firewall (only to find out that Obama is willing to trade his favorite pair of boxers and one daughter in exchange for Pakistan’s nuclear weapons), in fact you can even get your PhD. It is rumored that Hu Jintao even learned how to ban youtube in China on youtube. Just don’t watch Bernie Madoff’s tutorial on how to be a good businessman, you will undoubtedly end up back in your bathrobe, only this time you will be in prison sharing a cell with a tattooed masochist named Bones. Make Google your best friend. In fact, use it to learn how to make friends, as even your own dog is getting bored of you.

Become a Reality TV Star– This may sound difficult, but trust me it is not. All you need to do is have 23.5 children, smear Doritos all over your face, get knocked up and pretend not to know about it, or become a Palin. Or develop an intense fear of being tickled with feathers. People like to watch other people who have no skills and are about as clever as Jennifer Love Hewitt on Celebrity Jeopardy. YOU CAN BECOME ONE OF THEM! And even get paid for it! Now you will finally be able to afford that Wii that you have been saving up your Saturday night arcade tickets for. You may be thinking that you want to become a reality TV star as much as Jews want to observe Ramadan (40 days without a bagel and shmear!), but lets be honest, beggars can’t be choosers.

Start an Online Dating Service– Today about 1 out of every 5 people meet someone through an online dating service. Meaning, 1 out of every 5 people are unemployed, still live with their parents, and smell like a Middle Eastern market. However, everyone is looking for love and even those two World of Warcraft nerds managed to find each other on the Internet. While there are sites for Jewish people seeking Jewish people doctors, Christians seeking pro-choice Christians, and blind people seeking Seeing Eye dogs, there is always room for more websites where you can make yourself seem like a Natalie Portman when you are really a Kathy Griffin.

Start a Protest Movement– There are a lot of things in this world to be angry about. The fact that people dress up their puppies, putting babies on leashes, preachy vegetarians, Kim Jong Il, and the fact that eating one cinnabon makes your ass bigger than Amy Winehouse’s weave. However, you can do something about this. Gather people together Tahrir Square style, and fight for your beliefs. You may even become famous. Or get kangaroo kicked in the face. Either way, at least you got out of bed.

Be Homeless– Thanks Ted Williams. You have now proved that homeless people are more talented than I am.

Note: If none of these suggestions appeal to you, I know that Coldstone is looking for people to wear ugly hats and sing about the wonders of ice cream.

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