“Never Say Never,” Justin Bieber’s 3D documentary and the product of our pop-culture raping the zeitgeist, is already making waves. The trailer makes it clear that this is a hard, emotional documentary, as evidenced by the enormous, glittering letters informing us that “they” said he would “never make it.” What? I’m pretty sure being signed by Usher at 14 isn’t a long, arduous struggle. To this day there are struggling musicians who live out of their car for the chance to maybe sing back-up vocals on some throwaway pop track. In reality, the only real challenge he faced was his mother’s anti-Semitism.
However, it’s impossible to deny his impact on pop-culture. I mean, the kid is practically guaranteed success. Like pygmy owls and Chinese gymnasts, Justin Bieber is genetically engineered to never age. He has a vocoder permanently installed in his throat. His golden bangs are solar panels to power his cyborg heart. Every inch of this boy wonder is designed to attract swarms of insecure, sexually-undeveloped, gender-confused girls who spend all their free time blogging about “Team Edward.” If Justin Bieber says “jump,” everyone else says “make out with me.” In the year 2044, we’ll be electing Justin Bieber as President and his clone as Vice-President.
In the meantime, he’ll make a living selling pop songs with lyrics like “Oh baby I love you” or “I love you baby, oh” or even “Baby, oh, love, I you.” Here’s a list of five ways Justin Bieber will “positively” impact the world.
1. Glorious Hair
– If you’re not Justin Bieber, than your hair doesn’t deserve to call itself hair. It turns out lesbians and emo MySpace dwellers were on to something: swooping bangs are hawt. In time, everyone will sport the same glimmering forehead curtain. It will be so thick that you need echo location to retrieve the mail. Essential items: bleach, blow dryer, and a perfected hair flick. The hair flick is vital. That’s how scene kids tell each other they’re ready to mate.
2. Delayed Puberty
– There’s a certain nostalgia associated with discovering your first pubic hair. I remember spending hours on my living room couch squeezing my thighs together, trying to expedite the process (that’s what everyone did, right?). But mostly, memories of puberty are met with feelings of confusion and horror. The only thing more terrifying then waking up to sticky boxers is having Kirk Cameron as your lab partner in evolutionary biology. Thanks to Justin Bieber’s immortal youth, we can now postpone the descent of our testicles until well after college. It’s about time because I need an excuse for my crippling fear of intimacy other than “I was forced to watch porn as a child.”
3. Auto-Tuned Voices
– Not only will conversations all be sung in pitch-perfect, computerized voices, but it will be able to correct our poor sentence choices. No longer will you drunkenly tell that hot girl’s ugly friend that she “resembles a cross between Sylvester Stallone and an iguana”, but that she has “warm features and a refreshing personality.” Not that you’ll be able to do anything with that hot girl, however, considering your sexual drive won’t develop for three more years. But you can still spend the next hour trying out-flick each other.
4. Dance Battles
– Imagine this scenario: your palms are sweaty, you’re shaking, you can barely see straight. Where are you? No, you didn’t just walk in on your parents doing bikram yoga; this is sixth grade when you asked your first girl to dance. Asking her isn’t a problem, but you’re afraid of how she’ll react after she realizes you have the rhythm of an autistic orangutan. Fear not, because in the world of Justin Bieber, everyone is a top-notch dancer, and every proposition, question, and suggestion will be made through long, stylized dance sequences. So don’t listen to the bowling alley manager yelling at you to stop moonwalking across the lanes, you need to know if that cute girl will go to the movies, and you won’t know until she reciprocates your popping and locking.
5. Proposing to your Girlfriend at 15
– Remember, your appeal will be in preserving the appearance of a young child as your hormones tear the inside of your body apart. Looks are just half of the battle, the other half is attitude and values. This includes an immature perspective on relationships. Therefore, to everyone in the Bieberverse, marriage is full of happiness and rainbows. Don’t worry that it completely ignores the emotional and financial commitments that an actual marriage demands. In this new fantasy world, putting a diamond ring around your middle-school girlfriend’s finger is both acceptable and encouraged. The only reference to sex will be made when your hair flick causes Chucky Cheese to hump your leg.