Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. Before we begin, kindly open the following browsers in separate taps and let them run throughout the piece. I promise, no porn .

http://www.rainymood.com/
http://www.endlessyoutube.com/watch?v=DIx3aMRDUL4
http://www.endlessyoutube.com/watch?v=HMnrl0tmd3k

Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy:

The Classiest Freshman

Oh, hey, I didn’t see you there. It’s freezing outside, please, come in. I saved a spot by the space heater just for you. May I take your North Face? It’s no bother, I’ll just put it with my collection of American Apparel hoodies.

Would you like something hot to eat? I just put some easy mac in the microwave. If you’d like, I could easily make a second bowl. Of course, I’d have to make a Wawa run, but for such a beautiful specimen of sorority-hood as you, I’d walk all the way to Hill.

Now, what brings you to my door on a night like this? Econ 001 notes? Of course! You must excuse me, I haven’t quite been myself since my last tour in Call of Duty. Enough about that, though; I don’t really like talking about it.

Well now, we must celebrate! To what? To the reunion of you and your notebook, my dear. Such a serendipitous occasion calls for something special, and I think I have just the thing. Wait here while I fetch it from the mini fridge under my bed.

Ah, here we are; day-old Allegro’s Pizza and Franzia. Like ambrosia from the Greek gods above ! OI hope you enjoy this; it was not easy to get. I had to have my older brother Pete quest to the far reaches of 41st and Market, but you, my sweet, deserve the finest.

The Allegro’s Pizza is chilled, and the boxed-wine is breathing. We have quite the night ahead of us. Should we take our paper plates to the bed, or shall we skip right to dessert: would you like to play some Mario Kart, my Peach? Just you, me, and the stars of Rainbow Road; can you imagine anything more romantic?

Oh, what’s that? You want protection? I’m sorry, my Princess Peach, but it seems I’ve left my condoms in another castle! Ha ha, oh how I kid. Wait, what are you doing digging through my sock drawer?

(she uncovers an old playboy, Superman boxer briefs, and free Durex condoms from Student Health)

Oh, those. You found them! My my, aren’t you as clever as you are beautiful. Now, how about we put these silly games away and…

(at the door, a heavy, male voice is heard)

“Yo Max, you said we could watch!”

(the girl grabs her things and runs from the room)

Please, dearest, don’t go! Ah, oh well. I suppose I will have to settle for the alternative

(approaches desk and types “buxom beauties” into Google)

Oh, my word.