It is difficult for us to offer you a position at this time because of your behavior during your recent visit to our Annapolis office. Everyone you encountered during your 18 minutes in our office expressed their difficulty when asked to imagine you working at our company. That being said, we’d like to note the following:
• Being on a new medication is not an acceptable excuse for urinating on our Executive Director for Strategic Marketing.
• Ms. Durbin has finally been stabilized and the doctors predict she will regain some degree of motor function within the next 14-16 months.
• Despite what you may believe, neckties are not a dying trend of the 1990’s, and there are people that are fans of the New York Jets.
• We’d also like you to know that Mr. McFadden identifies as an “Irish-American,” not a “jigging piss-drunk” as you had described him.
• We have security footage of you taking a case of toner from our office and loading into the back of your station wagon. We ask that you please return it at your earliest convenience.
• While we are unaware of where else you have interviewed, our employees highly doubt that your request to be paid for your interview time was granted at “every other company.” Regardless, it remains our firm policy to not pay our job applicants for the time required to interview, especially since you never actually reached the interview portion of your visit.
• Finally, please find your Calvin Klein boxer-briefs enclosed within this package. Regarding this matter, we would like you to know that we have decided to drop the charges if you sign the attached agreement to never return to our office.
I wish you the very best as you continue your employment search, and I would like to note that I am extremely grateful that our Human Resources does not have a position for you at this time.
A. T. Piskai