My Future in Odd Future

To the current members of Odd Future Wolfgang Kill Them All,

Greetings and salutations! My name is Samuel, and I am currently a student enrolled at a fine institution in urban West Philadelphia. Last week, as I sat in my Latin class, pondering how on Earth I would translate the next paragraph of my Cornelius Nepos manuscript of The Life of Atticus without use of a passive periphrastic, I realized that I may possess the necessary skill set to join a hip-hop collective. After delving into the rap genre, discovering the ins and outs, the nuances of contemporary hip-hop collectives, I have deduced that your collective – Odd Future Wolfgang Kill Them All – is the right fit for the genesis of my rap career. Allow me to explain why:

1. I am willing to use swear words.

While my meter and verbage talents shan’t be an issue, my first hesitation was your collective’s propensity for undoubtedly wicked rhetoric. I realized I needed to mend my moral ways, and began to surreptitiously travel to the local zoo. There, I practiced swearing at exotic birds, which – much like a herd of Cornell graduates – do not have the mental capacity to respond in any means to such foul language. After months of rehearsal, I’m proud to say that now I have the ability to talk about someone’s rump in public without a shade or tinge of embarrassment.

2. I am not afraid of clowns.

If you want to keep putting pictures of clowns on your website, I shan’t complain. Because I am not afraid of clowns. And I never was. Because that would be preposterous.

3. I am willing to eat bugs.

I recently discovered the video to Tyler the Creator’s song “Yonkers”. I felt an immediate connection to the song, as I spent 14 years attending a boarding school based in a zeppelin floating above Yonkers, NY. We occasionally sent our skieskeeper Emmrich down to Yonkers to fetch some gasoline and cheap laborers for the zeppelin, and he always came back smelling of cement and metal coins. We would laugh and laugh. What good times we had at the academy.

In the video for “Yonkers”, Tyler the Creator eats what appears to be a cockroach. I pondered the merits of the video intensely: Was there value in eating a cockroach? Was this the price to pay for hip-hop glory? I logically concluded that true artists probably enjoy eating bugs, and that this was an unspoken trend in the underground hip-hop community. Assuming this, I had no choice but to submit to the societal conventions of our time. I will say this: a larger cockroach does not necessarily mean a better tasting cockroach, and if you eat enough of them they begin to taste like quail.

In closing, I appreciate your consideration and look forward to the next steps of the application process. I truly believe that I will become the next member of Odd Future Wolfgang Kill Them All, a member that can help hide any weak links in your current collective.

I’m looking at you, Hodgy.


Samuel K. Pasternack, Schliefencorn Zeppelin Academy of Mathematics ’09

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