A Day in the Life of a Frat Star

10:03 AM:  Wake up next to mediocre Asian slam piece. Who is this bitch?

10:06 AM: Look at texts from last night. Oh nice! Econ Slut.

10:32 AM: She makes me breakfast (scrambled eggs and protein powder) and feeds it to me while I do one armed pushups.

10:40 AM:  No, I don’t remember your name. Now get outta here, I have class in 20 minutes.

11:00 AM: Skip class and go play pong with Chaz, Taz, and Brad. Fucking love those guys.

11:05 AM: Lose a game of pong because fucking Chaz doesn’t know how to watch his elbow.

11:07 AM: Get into fight with Chaz, because he’s a fucking dicksnot and can’t take a joke about his sister’s headruining snaggletooth.

11:30 AM:  Sorry Chaz. We make up over an episode of Entourage.

11: 50 AM: We get into a fight over who’s Ari Gold.

12: 00 PM: Whatever bro fuck Chaz. Decide I should go to class. Indian Drums.

12: 35 PM: Throw on honey mustard stained lax pinny and neon pink visor. The visor says To Frat Too Care

12: 37 PM: I secretly wish the visor was grammatically correct.

1:00 PM: Get to class and make farting noises whenever Professor tries to talk. What a GEED.

1:45 PM: Walk out of class five minutes early. Tell all my friends how many Tri-Delts I slay.

2: 00 PM: See pretty Tri-Delt girl on Locust and stare at my shoes.

2:30 PM: Hemo’s. Grilled Chicken, extra honey mustard. I go to Hemo’s so much he pretty much has my name tattooed on his dick. What! That’s not gay! It’s Hemo!

3: 15 PM: Tell everyone how drunk I am.

3:30 PM: Go back to frat and yell at fat chicks from my porch. If you don’t want to be yelled at then don’t be fat.

3:35 PM: Yell at some total pointdexter from Sig Nu to stop trying! God I hate dweeb frats.

3: 36 PM: Brag about how many drugs I do.

3: 45 PM: Take a tiny hit of Taz’s bong, start coughing and freak out.

4:00 PM: Hit up the Sig Nu to play Star Fox 64’ with my Bosnian friend Gregor. We have enlightening discussions concerning the European Market Economy.

6:00 PM: Dinner time. Go to Commons and spit the food back in the server’s face. Wolfgang Yuck am I right? Yeah. I’m fucking right.

6: 15 PM: This pretty cute Asian girl from my Econ class totally eye fucks me. I mean, can you blame her?

6:30 PM: Tell everyone how fucking sloshed I am.

6: 31 PM: Tell everyone how I’m just trying to get fucked up tonight.

6: 32 PM: Tell everyone how I’m just trying to rage.

6: 33 PM: Psssssssssssssh.

7: 07 PM: Work on my application to Goldman. They’ll totally be impressed when they read Beer Czar on my resume.

8: 00 PM: Hit up this sick sorority pre-game. Apparently it’s international themed. All sorts of flags in this bitch. Alright!

8: 20 PM: Have like 20 cups of their jungle juice. I’m so fucked up I could barely even swashbuckle.

8: 50 PM: Throw back more jungle juice. I’m so drunk I think I like dudes. What! It’s not gay if you think you’re gay when you’re really fucked up!

9: 25 PM: Walk out. Realize I accidentally walked into a Model UN intro meeting and they were just serving Cherry Hi-C.

9: 56 PM: Head back to my frat unphased. Sorry you can’t keep up.

10: 13 PM: Play some ruit in the basement and make fun of middle income families. Can someone please tell me, am I just a rich frat kid or a fratty rich kid?

10: 30 PM: Taz asks if I can go get beer for the party. Oh don’t worry Taz, I got this.

10: 42 PM: Beg Dad for money. He says I already went over my 200 dollar a month budget. Whatever Dad…But seriously Dad, can I just have some more money? You can give me one less Chanukah gift this year…alright two less.

11: 15 PM: Go to the ATM at Wawa because it doesn’t ask you for a surcharge. Total frat move.

12: 00 AM: Working door at the party. Nah bro I don’t care who you know you’re not getting in.

12: 05 AM: Just circle around the block a few times. I hear Pi Kapp’s having a late night.

12: 25 AM: If you really know a brother then fucking call him.

12: 30 AM: NO BIDS FOR GDIS!!!!!! Nice.

12: 58 AM: Who are you? Bro, I don’t even take Indian Drums.

1: 00 AM: Taz relieves me on door.

1: 15 AM: Go downstairs. The party’s not that crowded to be honest. But don’t worry, it’s warming up.

1: 29 AM: Start dancing with chicks. They’re practically lining up.

1: 30 AM: Oh hey what’s up girl you looking to get ground?

1: 31 AM: Well fuck you anyway fucking slut bitch! Pop off!

1: 32 AM: Oh hey what’s up girl you want an introduction to my dong?

1: 33 AM: Psh! Do you think I care if your boyfriend’s deployed in Iraq?

1: 34 AM: Oh hey what’s up man sick Jack Johnson shirt wanna make out?

1: 35 AM: What? It’s not gay if you’re at one of your frats parties and you ask some dude with a Jack Johnson shirt to hook up! I mean, he’s practically asking for it.

1: 36 AM: Oh hey what’s up girl some feature about your body or wardrobe looks really interesting and shit.

1: 37 AM: Girl starts dancing with me. I know, my game’s off the meter.

1: 40 AM: Wait, I think I know this chick.

1: 50 AM: Yeah, she looks real familiar.

2: 00 AM: Oh right! I remember. It’s that smoking Asian girl from Econ! Text Taz: Nuice! Ec0n Slu+.

3: 00 AM: We call it a night and head up to my room. What can I say? Typical frat star.

Leave a Reply