Hello everybody,

Thank you all for coming today to support us during this difficult time. These last few months have been quite trying for the entire family and we cannot fully express our gratitude at the kindness you have shown us. As you all know, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of one of my closest friends. A friend who at times I felt like I hardly knew. Since I first met him a few years ago, we spent every minute together. We were inseparable. He was all I could think about—everything down to the class I took and the clubs I joined was somehow centered on him. We had been through the highs and lows of college, and then, unexpectedly, he was gone. He became a mere memory of the strong, robust force he once was. A shadow of his former self. A fraction of his complete essence. Today, with a heavy heart, I put my GPA to rest.

I want to share with you a memory of me and my GPA that demonstrates exactly how much he affected my life. It was the second semester of my freshman year, and we were both as carefree as an English major, frolicking in the luscious meadows of Hill Field. After taking three humanities classes and a Writing Seminar, we were invincible—there was nothing we couldn’t accomplish. We would hang out with all the Asians, and for a week we basically lived in the Finance major’s room. Yet here we were, just an Engineering major and his GPA, effortlessly coasting through life as if on a breeze. One day he sat me down and said, “You’ll get into med school, I know you will. With me by your side you can’t fail. Hell, you can apply for a Rhodes Scholarship”. We were so happy.
And then, over the course of a single semester, his condition deteriorated. It all started with his 9:00 AM Calculus class. I think he got a girlfriend, too, and all that weed the Art major’s GPA gave to him really made him slip. The worst part for me was knowing the outcome of this perfect storm and anticipating it the entire semester. Tears came to my eyes as I watched him tailspin, knowing full well his recovery would never happen because my stupid Chemistry TA kept taking off like four points for math errors. And then, finally, the Biology final exam broke his spirit. He was never the same, mentally or physically.

But of course, we are not here to mourn the loss of my GPA, but rather to celebrate his life. He is in a better place now: a place filled with people who go out on Mondays. A place for people who aren’t part of the “system, dude”— who didn’t let “the man” bring them down. A place that constantly smells like a marijuana-Febreeze cocktail—where you’re constantly pledging a frat. A place for people who watch “The Jersey Shore”. A place that unequivocally votes Republican.
And so I say one last farewell to my good friend. I’m sure those other GPAs of people at Caribbean med schools or third-tier graduate programs will take care of you. Until then, Godspeed, my friend.

Thank you all again for coming today. Refreshments of corn dogs and Lunchables will now be served.