A Letter From the Future

Dear Past Nabil,

Greetings.  I hope this correspondence reaches you in the safety and comfort of your home.  Which, by the way, won’t be so comfortable once you develop bowel problems and clog the toilet every day.  You’d think that if they could develop longevity pills and holographic communication they’d already have better ways to dislodge week-old burrito byproducts from toilets, but that’s one problem mankind has yet to solve.  Anyway, there are some things I want you to know about the future, so you can prepare yourself and live your life better, but mostly so you don’t get your hopes up.

First thing’s first: The oil ran out.  All of it.  It turns out that the stuff underneath the Gulf was just Aunt Jemimah syrup, and since the only thing you could extract from that was a stomach ache, it turned out to be useless.  For years, the world struggled through an energy crisis, and it was clear something had to be done.  A few years later, science had its greatest breakthrough since the George Foreman grill and discovered a new form of energy: the puppy.  Puppies replaced natural gas in all of its capacities, including fueling vehicles, heating homes, and being wasted by Saudi Arabian princes.  The puppy reserve hasn’t yet been depleted, but needless to say the pancake industry is booming.

Oh, and another thing: there are almost no flying cars.  What do you think the future is, a science fiction movie?  The only cars that can fly are Hummers, but nobody wants them anyway because their miles per puppy is just awful.  Who is seriously going to stop at the nearest kennel/PetSmart every five miles to re-fuel? I can only afford the cheap Chihuahua kind anyway, not any of that high quality Doberman stuff that goes in a Hummer.

America as you know it has changed.  California finally broke off from the mainland and was subsequently renamed “North Hawaii”.  The only bad part is that the West Coast is now exclusively Nevada, which honestly couldn’t be worse.  It was fine that Utah, Arizona and New Mexico combined into one super-state called Northwest Mexico (don’t ask), but literally nobody wants to vacation on the west coast of Nevada, of all godforsaken places. Montana still sucks, though.  Some things never change.

Artificial intelligence finally created the perfect human (we thought it’d be the other way around, too), and WalMart now sells other WalMart stores at discount prices (go figure).  Half of the kids these days are going to SUNY Moon, New York State’s latest attempt to legitimize its system of “higher education”. LeBron never won a championship, and Nicholas Cage actually stole the Declaration of Independence one time.

What I’m trying to say, Nabil, is that the future is pretty much how you think it’s going to be.  Some things will change and others won’t, but in the end our overlords from Planet Zyborg V will still be the supreme beings of the universe, as they have been and always will be. Just remember that you are forever indentured to them, and if you worship them unconditionally they won’t hurt you.  You must know this already, since they have ruled the world since the beginning of time. They are the ultimate creators of all life and life has not existed before them.

Remember to brush your teeth!

All Hail Lord Zoltog,

Future Nabil

Leave a Reply