Newt Gingrich recently stated that if he becomes President of the United States he
intends to establish a moon colony. People often laugh at Newt because of his ludicrous ideas,
genetically engineered head, and a personality that is endlessly in your face like flies, a Jewish
mother, or Anthony Wiener’s penis. Out of all of the crazy and laughable words that he has
uttered, he has been right about two things: 1. Dancing Queen is a worthwhile ring tone 2. We
need to start a lunar colony. In fact, it is rumored that he already sent his two ex wives up there
to be the first colonizers along with Rick Santorum’s sweater vests, the media, and anyone that
he has ever spoken to at Freddie Mac & Fannie Mae. However, I will leave Newt ridicule to late
night television, the gays, and really anyone north of the Mason Dixon line and focus on what I
want my lunar colony to be like. Let’s be honest, the place we call our planet earth is
deteriorating. Not to sound morbid but also to completely sound morbid, we humans and some
species of penguin are destroying this planet and soon the apocalypse will occur and floods will
engulf us all. Even you guys, Oprah Winfrey and God. Newt was right in saying it’s time to
move to the moon. Neil Armstrong was the first man to step on the moon but the real milestone
will be when the first white Jewish girl from New Jersey steps on the moon and that girl will be
me. Now if Newt appointed me instead of Sarah Palin to his cabinet, this is what the future of the
moon would look like:

1. I would slightly revamp George Orwell’s 1984 world model and instead of having “Big
Brother” monitor you I would employ the use of “Soul Sister.” Who is Soul Sister you
may ask? No other but the most brilliant human, Tina Fey. “Big Brother is Watching
You” would translate to “Soul Sister is Judging You to see if you are Acting like an
Asshat” and if you are, the punishment would be sitting through a 3D version of the latest
Channing Tatum movie. Twice. The national anthem would be entitled “What would Liz
Lemon Do” and would be sung to the tune of Britney Spears’ timeless classic “Baby One
More Time.”

2. We fight too many wars against people and things. Afghanistan, Iraq, Lady Gaga’s
fashion sense, Mexicans who heart drugs, Mitt Romney’s hair, dogs in sweaters, and the
list goes on. Nuclear weapons have become an increasing threat, and nations like Iran
and China are probably collaborating to use those weapons to destroy western things like
reality television, feminism, and chicken nuggets. On my colony the problems would
be solved solely by playing the “Penis” game, and if things really escalate I will have to
monitor a flash mob off. Who ever thought that flash mobs would be the atomic bombs of
the moon?

3. There would be 100 percent employment rate. You know why? People would be able to
do whatever makes them happy whether that is constructing robots, urinating on flowers,
working on a permanent cure for genetically dirty fingernails, and they would get paid
for it! Granted the moon’s currency would be in Winnie the Poo stuffed animals or Steve
Jobs’ old turtlenecks but it would still pay the rent. You don’t think that is sustainable?
The people on earth have no credibility talking about sustainability, just look at our
health care system (source: http://www.teapartywillrule.com).

4. Technology would be present but it would not destroy our face-to-face interaction
capabilities. Yes, Apple would be replaced by the more advanced consumer electronic
company “Grapple” because hybrids are soo in these days. However, despite pocket
sized computers, Ipods, and telepathic connections, we would still be able to talk to eachother in person. People have become reclusive weirdos who prefer texting to talking.

Last night, someone texted me while we were sitting at the same table eating meatloaf
in silence. That would not happen on the moon because Soul Sister is Watching You,
remember?

5. Instead of tasty food going to your ass, it would go to your brain. Think of each
French Fry that you consume as an IQ point. Man, if we could make this happen West
Philadelphia would be brilliant. Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move” campaign would
change to “Let’s Sit on Our Couch and Watch Friends Reruns” and obesity would not
be a problem. There also would not be intense health freaks. You know, those nervous
folks who are never available to get lunch because they are too busy doing Ab work outs,
braising wilted leaves of lettuce, and attending tai chi practice, and who scorn at you if
you offer them a perfectly good piece of cheddar. For every piece of pizza and twinkie
someone eats, they will be that much closer to becoming Mark Zuckerberg, except with
fantastic social skills and you would probably be nicer to those sexy blond twins.

So, who is with me on embarking on this exciting moon journey? Just you, mom? Damn, well
maybe we will just have to wait until 2016.