Happy President’s Day everybody! Or should I say Happy Day of White People protesting Black History Month by sneaking in one day that celebrates people who are more racially homogenous than the crowd at Whole Foods. Instead of sculpting a life-sized George Washington Carver statue out of peanut butter to celebrate the month, today will be about the WASPS. The President is an important position- you get to tell people to go on scavenger hunts for oil and imaginary nuclear weapons and if you are really good at your job you get to have your face on money. Later this month the Mint is issuing a three-dollar bill with a picture of George W. Bush doing the Cotton Eye Joe dance solely clad in assless chaps and a fur vest. Our Presidents have accomplished a tremendous amount over these past lots of years (history majors don’t do numbers- only unemployment) and it is vital to honor them by remembering some of their brilliant accomplishments. Note: You may be offended and if this is the case you will receive an e-card with a Siamese cat singing a remix of OneRepublic’s song “I hope its not too late to apologize.” Thus, I bequeath to you my appreciation for former Commander in Chiefs.

Thank you Thomas Jefferson for being the pioneer in showing that mixed babies are the best looking and the key to world domination. In your two terms as President you never vetoed any bills. Except for Order 101 entitled “Get out of my Property,” you didn’t like that one. You told the King of England that he was stinky in more eloquent words, you inadvertently started Mardi Gras by buying Louisiana for two cents and a hand job, and you were the first ginger president. Nature has even showed its appreciation for you by forming a mountain with your face on it. It’s so high up that people aren’t even able to take a piss on your face, good work!

Thank you James Madison for being one of the shortest Presidents ever. You may have had to ride only baby ponies and probably had to make State of the Union addresses from someone in your cabinet’s shoulders but you were still great enough to have a University named after you. Also, Danny Devito loves your work.

Thank you Chester Allen Arthur. I did a report on you in fifth grade and might have gotten an A. I don’t really remember anything about you. Anyone?

Thank you William Howard Taft for being the model for a new reality TV show about people who live in their bathtubs. People may not remember anything you did for our country, but they do know that the ink was smeared, there were turducken stains, and the paper was wet in most of the bills you signed. Don’t worry about being forgotten, that would only happen if Chris Christie wins an election. By that time let’s hope he interprets gay marriage to mean the union between hot sauce and diner fries so that bill will finally pass!

Thank you JFK for making my head spin like a revved up dreidel. It doesn’t really matter what your political opinions were, did anyone really listen to you anyways? And by listening I don’t just mean your dirty talk to Marilyn Monroe and every other female with a pulse. We all know that you wanted to change “D-Day” to “Double D Day” but what man doesn’t love boobs?

Thank you Abraham Lincoln for just about everything. Freeing slaves from horny owners, forcing the south to secede, beating Steven Douglass in a debate by tickling him with your beard, and figuring out multiple ways to say the number 87. You are 203 years old and people are still obsessed with you- a fate, so far, attained only by Betty White and Yoda. And you claimed the five-dollar bill, the only thing in my wallet right now besides an unused vintage condom.

Thank you Ronald Reagan for showing us that actors can’t really be involved in politics. Arnold has shown that as well, but his avenue was through mediocre looking housekeepers. Republicans idolize you. In fact they love you so much that they would do anything if it had your name in it. They would even buy a cupcake flavor that was called “Horse Manure and Ronald Reagan.” Yum.

Thank you Barack Obama for showing how racist Donald Trump and the rest of our country really is. If you aren’t included in this holiday next year it means women will no longer be able to use birth control and everyone will own a rifle. TAKE THAT AS A WARNING!