The Next Fifty

Dear Loyal Readers,

After writing this, my fiftieth article, many people have asked me how many more ideas I could possibly have within the strict format of a letter. It’s time to answer that question with a resounding “Not Many!” Therefore I have decided to switch tactics and become a more serious journalist. After I graduate, I’ll be forced to join a reputable news agency where I can only publish news. Therefore my next fifty columns will be news articles. I’ve provided their titles below:

1. Woman Charged With Battery: Duracell’s Fountain Of Youth
2. Money-tree Discovered, Parenting Fundamental Shaken
3. NBA Observes Rise In Domestic Draft Picks Due To Weak Exchange Rate
4. Budweiser Study Finds People Who Don’t Drink Eventually Die
5. NAACP Outraged After Pot Calls Kettle Black
6. NASCAR Announces Plan To Incorporate White Demographic
7. Uncle Larry Takes Over Harvard Admissions, 2016 Class 95% Female
8. Pope Steps Down After Fistfight With Archbishop
9. Hamburglar Convicted, Grimace Walks
10. Nazis Take Michigan Primary As Anticipated
11. Six Reasons Why Delaware Sucks
12. Victoria’s Secret Merges With Chip Giant to Form Frito-Lace
13. Asians Top College Board Race Rankings 3rd Straight Year
14. Swiss Cheese Rights Sold To France
15. British Adopt American Way Of Spelling
16. Kel Denies Love Affair With Orange Soda
17. Cheap Congress Passes Bill At White House Luncheon
18. Gary Coleman to Star in Hobbit Remake
19. Nickelodeon Condenses 90’s Reruns: Dougrats to Premiere Sunday at 9
20. United States Funds JV Military Known As Sub-Marines
21. Six Reasons Why Delaware Gets A Bad Rap
22. Study Shows 64% of College Freshmen Think Last-Minute Internships Last One Minute
23. Genomic Research Reveals Babies and Old People Are 99.6% the Exact Same
24. Murderous 8-Year Olds: Squads of Killdren Execute Thousands
25. Original Picasso Auctioned for $8M, Picasso Angry to Have Been Sold
26. Gluten Tag! The Story of Hitler’s Hidden Food Allergy
27. Culinary Fraternity TSP Faces Allegations of Braising
28. Six Reasons Why Hey, Screw You! What Are You FROM Delaware Or Something? Piece Of Shit Negating My Column….
29. The Betty Crocker Easy-Beethoven Promises Musical Delights With Every Bite
30. Westdale Custom Ink to Offer Discount to Plus-Size Patrons With “Fattoos”
31. Platypuses Overthrow Treasury, Commence Printing of Duckbills
32. Severe Marshmallow Peeps Shortage Makes Grandma Mourn
33. World Ends After Teenage Girl Dumped
34. SPEC Connaissance Presents: Sanjay Gupta, Founder of the Punchbowl Tumor Magazine
35. Weekend Box Office Topped by Hank 1620: Plymouth Plantatum
36. Six Reasons Why No, I just Think Delaware Is Better Than A Lot Of Other States! You Think It’s Worse Than Kansas? The State That Ryan Leaf Called Home? You HAVE To Be Kidding Me. At Least Delaware Doesn’t Have Sales Tax!
37. After Years Of Losing Interest NASA Has Announced It Will Hold Astronaut Tryouts
38. Merriam-Webster To Add Titsicle To New Dictionary
39. Geoffrey Canada Too Busy To Attend Penn Graduation; Jeffrey Mexico To Replace
40. Stuck In A Bush 2: Struck In A Bush
41. A Very Marsupial Christmas!
42. Six Reasons Why People Who Diss Ryan Leaf Should Move To Delaware If They Think It’s So Great! Ryan Leaf Is The Most Under-Rated Quarterback Of All Time!
43. Ariel Has A Baby With Her Uncle Gold: Frankincest Leads to First Myrrh-maid
44. Beards And Why We Need Them
45. The Dirty Ginger Chronicles
46. My Life As A Dutchman
47. Moonshine And You: A DIY Guide To Hillbillydom
48. Six Reasons Why Hey Asshole, I Didn’t Say I’d Want To Live In Delaware! Place Is A Dive! I’d Rather Watch Ryan Leaf Highlights…All One Of Them.
49. My Rules On How To Play Pinochle
50. The Pros and Cons of Suicide

See you in the funny pages,
A. T. Piskai

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