Mundane Conspiracy Theories

Believing a Conspiracy Theory is like telling yourself that girls actually enjoy dancing with you, the more you talk about it, the more you really do think it’s true. It’s interesting at first. Fun even. But then one day something makes you realize you were probably fooling yourself all along. Maybe you wake up in a room full of ebayed Freemason memorabilia and a checkbook so unbalanced you think it was a Russian gymnast’s diet, maybe you realize that if the Jews really did control the world, things would be a lot different, or maybe you even realize that it’d be way too big of a coincidence if every time you asked a girl to dance at a party she suddenly noticed her drink was empty, or she had to use the bathroom, or she didn’t think she was that great of a dancer, or she just got out of a really messy breakup, or her dog just got run over, or she doesn’t hablas ingles (at least she used the tu form), or she was saving herself for Usher, or she was running for the UA and couldn’t afford the paparazzi seeing, or she was just diagnosed with some vaguely French sounding disorder, a side effect of which is an aversion to dancing, or she just at that moment decided to become Amish, or- you get the picture. Anyway here’s a list of Conspiracy Theories that are way less fun to believe in than the usual batch.

The Jews hold complete control of the bagel production industry.

Lee Harvey Oswald didn’t act alone. Before the assassination he was a member of a very

successful group improv troupe.

The United States Government orchestrated 9-11 to be the national emergency hotline.

The Freemasons hold a clandestine meeting every week where they watch their favorite

Tom Hanks movies.

Ventriloquists can simultaneously carry a conversation and give you oral sex.

Barack Obama once had an in-depth conversation with a Muslim.

The McDonald’s special sauce is actually just a tasty combination of mayo and ketchup.

Jesus and Mary Magdalene had a daughter that constantly underperformed in her

religious studies.

Millions of aliens live among us, picking our fruit and cutting our grass right under our

very noses.

15 of the last 20 Presidents have been members of a secret society known only as Sam’s


Ronald Regan introduced grape flavored beverages into urban centers, causing a

widespread addiction among impoverished African Americans.

Water fluoridation is a plot to prevent tooth decay, secretly organized by America’s lazy


Humanity is under the total control of some kind of all-powerful, all-knowing deity.

Hitler’s mustache was just a laughably large mole on his septum.

Whenever a heterosexual male opens the door for an attractive female it is because he wants to have sex with her.

The moon landing in the beginning of Transformers 3 was actually staged by Hollywood.

The man who played Paul McCartney in a Beatles cover band died in a car crash and was

subsequently replaced by another man who looked kinda like Paul McCartney.

Tupac Shakur, Michael Jackson, and Elvis Presley are still alive, in the hearts and minds

of millions of listeners.

The scissor industry lobbied to make plastic clamshell packaging particularly difficult to

open with your hands.

George W. Bush only got elected because he was the president’s son.

Gillette Razors are not the best a man can get.

The internet is actually just a really complex computer simulation.

The staff of the Pennsylvania Punch Bowl humor magazine is composed of borderline sociopaths, some with delusions of grandeur, most with addictions,  all with an undying love for dick jokes.

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