Welcome, and thank you for purchasing Cage Fighting a Gorilla: A How-To Pamphlet. If you enjoy this guide, you may consider purchasing other pamphlets in our series, such as Mud Wrestling an Alligator or Knife Fighting a Marmoset. We’re not pushing or anything, we’re just saying that the type of person who ends up in a cage match with a gorilla is probably going to fight a lot of animals in his lifetime.
Not that we’re judging. There could be plenty of legitimate reasons why you’re currently in a life-or-death struggle with a 400-pound silverback gorilla. Maybe you’re trying to prove to the wife that you’re still strong and virile. Maybe your vacation to Uganda took a few unexpected turns. Or maybe you had one too many shots last night. Really, why you’re here isn’t important. The only important thing is that you’re currently trapped in a cage with a gorilla that keeps getting angrier for some reason, and your only hope of survival is written on this convenient, biodegradable pamphlet.
The time you’ve spent reading the last two paragraphs has most likely allowed the gorilla to position himself at a strong point of attack, so, without further ado, let’s begin!
1. Keep this pamphlet as dry as possible
We’re assuming you failed to read this pamphlet before you actually got in the cage, as the type of person who gets into this kind of situation generally has poor planning skills. So since you’re going to be reading this while you fight the gorilla, it is imperative that you protect the pamphlet from the sweat and blood that will soon be all over your hands.
2. Ignore the shouting men around the cage
By this point, you’ve probably realized that the men watching the fight are shouting in a decidedly non-English language, have no intention of helping you, and are, in fact, placing bets on the results. Most of them will be betting against you. But do not let this be a distraction; you will have time for revenge if when you defeat this gorilla.
3. Attempt sign language
There is a small chance that the gorilla speaks sign language, in which case you may still be able to negotiate a peace treaty. Apologize for the evils of man, show compassion for the rapidly disappearing underbrush, and ask him about his interests and hobbies. Show interest in him, and listen to his responses. Keep the conversation playful and flirtatious. If you play your cards right, you may soon become lovers, which should significantly lower the chances of him murdering you.
4. If you don’t know sign language, pull out your gun
A simple pistol or semi-automatic rifle, fired in quick bursts…wait, what’s that? You don’t have a gun? Seriously? Then how did you expect to defeat this thing? Oh, for Chrissakes.
5. Do you at least have a spear or a knife or something?
No? Nothing? Shit.
6. Pray
Make peace with your maker, regardless of your faith or denomination. Only your God can help you now.
And if you need help with prayer, don’t forget to purchase our all-new series of pamphlets! Popular titles include Deathbed Repentance for the Last-Minute Believer and Contacting God While Bleeding Out from Gorilla Bites. Happy reading!