Pre-Season Meal Predictions

Another year of America’s greatest game. After an intense ending to last season, the contending meals will come back hungrier than ever. Let’s take a look at this year’s contenders:

Dinner – The perennial powerhouse has got it all: Playoff MVP Cheese Enchiladas, pseudo-healthy salads, and of course the face of the franchise: Greasy Cheesesteak. Greasy Cheesesteak has got one year left on its contract, and has enough in the tank to make a strong showing this season. They will try to topple the remarkable “Meals in One Season” record set by cheese omelets only 4 years ago.

Lunch – An age-old rival and the constant challenger to Dinner’s throne, Lunch will bring to the table its consistent veteran and collegiate hero Chicken Sandwich from Friendly Egyptian Food Cart. Chicken Sandwich cannot do it alone, and will need some support. The X factor, as always, is the enigmatic Chicken Burrito, who returns after a brief stint with Dinner last season. Chicken Burrito did not fit into their scheme, but then again, its role with Lunch is still unclear. Chicken Burrito will split time with Chicken Sandwich.

Afternoon Snack – This is a unit that comes ready every time they set out to compete. Their regular season upset over dinner stays fresh in the minds of the competitors, especially after Nachos guaranteed that they would upset dinner. They don’t always provide the power of a Dinner or a Lunch, but watch out for String Cheese, Triscuits, and the Teddy Graham gang to turn some heads again. After a crushing injury while attempting a dunk in 2011, Oreos are set to return before the All-Star break.

Brunch – When they show up, they show up to play. Pancakes and Omelets are a force to be reckoned with. Even after the suspension of Huevos Rancheros, Brunch will look to crush its competitors behind its two stars and its enforcer, Bacon. The more we see of Brunch, the more we like them, but they never have a strong enough schedule to compete on a daily basis.

Midnight Snack – Sure, when you take a brief glance at a group led by Calzones, Waffle Fries, and Ben & Jerry’s Late Night Snack Ice Cream they look good on paper, but the extraordinarily unpredictable nature of this lineup should make Midnight Snack a flash in the pan. They’re a summer league phenomenon, torching competitors before the bright lights hit them. If the history of this organization tells us anything, constant roster changes can disrupt team chemistry. If they plan to pair Chocolate Cake with Chips and Guacamole like they did last year, expect another disaster.

Breakfast – Another rebuilding year for Breakfast. Long gone are the days of Hall-of-Famer Eggo Waffles. Then of course after the retirement of Eggo Waffles Minis due to a painful “Fresh Grocer doesn’t have them anymore” injury, Breakfast bottomed out, and is still searching for a star to carry the franchise back to its glory days. Breakfast will look to Apple Cinnamon Nutrigrain Bars to carry a sub-par group through this last season of collegiate play. Breakfast must stay focused on the season ahead, a difficult task with rumors swirling that Pop Tarts will come out retirement.

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