More betchiness, brought to you by our junior Punch Bowl Betch Correspondent, Gretchen Weiners.

Who wants unlimited access to Pottruck’s bikes for free when you can pay $10 to take a 1 hr 45 minute spin class? Betches sure as hell don’t. And if there’s one thing we know it’s that you get what you pay for. That’s why we go to fucking Penn. And wear Lululemon every chance we get.

At least you know Daddy’s money is going to a good cause:  working off last night’s vodka cran. If a betch is going to rock leggings as pants (which Penn betches love to do) jiggly thighs are not an option. How else is a betch going to work off that SweetGreen froyo? That’s three toppings, count em’ betch, three. A leisurely power-hour on the elliptical isn’t going to cut it. You need a butch-ass gym instructor screaming at you through a microphone to motivate you into fitting into your formal dress.

A Penn betch has a special love/hate relationship with self-inflicted torture. (again, that’s why we go here) i.e. you love the respect you get from your friends for being borderline ano but hate the way position three makes you sweat like a fucking dog. Betches aren’t made to sweat, so dial it the fuck down. You have the control—and that’s the way a betch likes it—that’s why they put the red twisty knob there.

Mostly, betches love the atmosphere of the spin class. Every betch knows that group workouts are the way to go: nothing makes you want to add an extra quarter turn more than watching the fat girl next to you try to do jumps.

Spinning is a fucking party. At least three girls from your sorority are spinning with you at all times. There are more sorority tanks in spin class than there are Freshmen at Blarn. Repping your sorority’s latest neon American Apparel tank raises the stakes even higher. You do NOT want to be known as that sororstitute that can’t keep up a sprint. Plus, neon looks wicked in the blacklight.

Oh duh. Top reason betches love spinning: blacklights and house music—it’s like a fucking Theos latenight without the pretentious douchebags.