More betchiness: Part 2, brought to you by junior Punch Bowl Betch Correspondent, Gretchen Weiners.

A betch loves going downtown because it incorporates all of her favorite things: spending  money, looking #classy-slutty, taking taxis town cars, and sucking down overpriced bay-breezes like Caprisun (but like I’m not paying so IDGAF).  As a betch, you got tired of casual Thursdays at Blarn by November freshman year. It was time to fucking graduate to the little black dress and bottle service.

Everyone knows that Tuesdays are for Smokes, Wednesdays are for Copa and Thursdays are for downtowns. Frat parties are strictly for the weekend.  Since you have dignity, you would never subject yourself to more than two nights of phrat-hopping a week, c’mon it’s phucking phreezing Philadelphia. Once you’re at a goddamn downtown you stay there, unless you ended up at Recess with OZ and OWLS is at Whisper. Plus, going downtown makes every other night seem cheap, it’s like the fucking contrast effect, something you know from that Intro to Psych class you slept through.But let’s be real. Going downtown is all about the clothes. You know that wearing nice heels to a frat party makes as much economic sense as buying stock in Facebook (if you wanted to throw money away you’d make it rain while dancing on an elevated surface at G-Lounge). Besides, wearing any shoe that makes you taller than five eight to a Penn bar automatically eliminates half of the guys there. Downtowns are the one night during the week you can strut around like a coked-up baby-giraffe and no one can judge. Cuz we’re at a downtown, betch. And hello, coat-check much? There’s nothing like the carefree feeling of grinding on the son of some big-shot venture capitalist knowing that your coat won’t be stolen by some drunk girl who can’t tell the difference between pleather and calfskin. Every betch knows that half the fun of downtowns is making fun of the cheap posers who are wearing the same Urban dress you saw on the sale rack as you left with the latest full priced dress—the black chiffon one with the beading.

 

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