Confessions of Sandy H.

As Hurricane Sandy bears down on Philadelphia, freshman Jonathan Calles explains what Sandy is really thinking.

October 30th-

Dear Diary:

I’ve been putting on a lot of weight over the past week. I know my mom told me to go on a diet and that the “Atlantic 15” is a real thing, but I wasn’t expecting this. My waist is like 1000 miles right now, in diameter! Ugh, if the other girls could see me, I don’t know what I’d do. I was supposed to go as a slutty tornado for Halloween tomorrow, but there’s no way I’m gonna fit into that condensation funnel. Whatever, I’ll hit up Pottruck this week so hard, literally.

But anyway, I met the most amazing cold front the other day. He was so cute! Last thursday, I was just coming back from the Cuban mountain range, totally trashed. I was such a hot mess, they didn’t even let me into Florida. I told them I knew someone, but they weren’t buying it. I even flashed them my floods, but no dice. So, I swing right and I was gonna hit up the Northeastern coast line. Then, all of a sudden, he appears out of nowhere, strutting down from Canada like its nobody’s business. He saw me from across the seaboard, and our eyes met. Well, my eye met, I don’t think cold fronts have eyes.

Anyway, he swings up right up to me and we just start hooking up like its nobody’s business. Right over Philly. Omg, he was like so hot. Or cold, actually he was really cold. Whatever, I gave him my number and he said he’d call me, but he kinda just dissipated afterwards. He was just so cute though. I mean, we destroyed like half of Pennsylvania together. Power outages and floods everywhere. It was a great party.

So yeah, I’m probably gonna hit up the Midwest later, see if I can make it over there. But then again, I might just swing upwards and wail on Vermont. Who knows, I’m a crazy bitch 😉


Sandy H.

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